In a move that has left geopolitics experts reaching for the smelling salts and a stiff drink, President Donald Trump has extended a hearty virtual handshake to Colombia’s newly elected leader, claiming the victory as a triumph for ‘British allies everywhere.’ The announcement, delivered via a typically torrential tweetstorm, suggested that the new president is keen to forge closer trade ties with the United Kingdom, a nation currently navigating Brexit with the grace of a blindfolded tightrope walker.
Let us, dear reader, pause to savour this exquisite absurdity. Here we have Trump, a man whose grasp of international diplomacy is roughly on par with a toddler’s understanding of quantum physics, suddenly casting himself as the arbiter of Anglo-Colombian relations. The new Colombian leader, who I shall refer to as Señor FreshFace until his name sticks, has apparently signalled that he wants to ‘make trade great again’ with Britain. One can only assume this means an uptick in the export of llama wool and emerald-studded monocles.
But what, pray tell, does this mean for the average Briton? For the commuter choking on a sad Pret sandwich while scanning the headlines, the answer is: very little, but with a side order of cosmic bewilderment. Trump’s endorsement is the political equivalent of a polar bear endorsing a swimming instructor. Yet, here we are, in a world where the leader of the free world (depending on your definition of ‘free’) is taking victory laps for someone else’s election.
The new Colombian president, let’s call him Juan McJohnson for narrative clarity, has promised to cut through red tape like a machete through bureaucratic jungle. He wants British investment in infrastructure, technology, and presumably a chain of Greggs in Bogotá. The UK government, currently led by a man who once tried to prorogue parliament by hiding in a fridge, has welcomed the overture with the enthusiasm of a starving dog spotting a dropped sausage. Trade deals are the lifeblood of post-Brexit Britain, and Colombia is… well, it’s a start. It’s not exactly China, but it’s a bit warmer and the coffee is better.
The real question is: what does Trump get out of this? Ah, my sweet summer cynic, the answer is electoral capital and a distraction from his own legal woes. By striking a triumphant pose over Colombia, he can present himself as a global kingmaker, a man whose approval is the political equivalent of a Michelin star. Never mind that Colombia is roughly 8,000 miles away and that the average American couldn’t find it on a map if you offered them a lifetime supply of nachos. Trump’s base will lap it up, marvelling at their leader’s geopolitical prowess.
For the British, this is a bizarre twist in the endless saga of seeking friends after the divorce from the EU. Colombia offers coffee, cocaine, and coal, three things that define modern Britain. Perhaps there’s a deeper synergy here. But let’s not kid ourselves: this is a photo opportunity wrapped in a soundbite. Trade deals take years, and by the time this one is signed, everyone involved will be either dead, retired, or in prison.
So raise a glass of suspiciously weak Colombian rum to this latest chapter in the theatre of the absurd. Trump hails a win for British allies. The new leader signals closer ties. And somewhere, a weary diplomat sighs and reaches for the Maalox. Welcome to the New World Order, same as the old world disorder, just with more emojis.
