In a development so dizzyingly improbable it could only be true, the Vice President’s waistband has leaked a deal with Iran that sources say will be signed before Friday. Yes, you heard that correctly. The Vice President’s waistband.
Specifically, the trousers of one J.D. Vance, which apparently have better diplomatic credentials than the entire State Department.
The trousers whispered to a pool reporter, or perhaps it was a crease in the fabric, that the Trump administration has hammered out an agreement with the Ayatollahs. The details: Iran agrees to stop enriching uranium to weapons grade if the United States agrees to stop enriching the careers of failed reality TV stars. The deal reportedly includes a clause requiring Iran to surrender all centrifuges in exchange for a case of Trump-branded steaks and a signed portrait of Baron.
Vance confirmed the breakthrough in a statement that read, “The trousers have spoken. The deal is done.” This comes after weeks of “nuclear-level” negotiations conducted via Telegram using only emojis.
The Iranian foreign minister sent a flamingo, which Trump interpreted as “bird of peace” but was later revealed to mean “prepare the martyrdom vests.” Nevertheless, the deal is imminent. The regime in Tehran has also agreed to rename the Persian Gulf to “Trump Gulf” in exchange for a promise to never hear the phrase “covfefe” again.
This is diplomacy for the modern age: where trousers do the talking and nobody checks for pockets until it's too late. God save the deal. God save the trousers.
And God save us all from the hangover that this news cycle will inevitably require.
