In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of orange-hued demagogues and their acolytes, the courts have once again reminded us that no man, not even one with a spray tan the colour of Cheetos dust, is above the law. Today, a federal appeals court upheld the $5m judgment against Donald Trump for sexually abusing and defaming E. Jean Carroll, a verdict that UK law experts are breathlessly calling a 'landmark ruling'. Landmark. Like Nelson's Column or the London Eye, but with less revolving and more justice.
Let us pause to savour the exquisite irony: a man who boasts about his wealth, his power, his ability to grab any woman by the... well, you know... has been forced to reach into his golden pockets and hand over a cool five million. That's $5,000,000.00, for those keeping score at home. A sum that would buy approximately 1.67 million McRibs or, more fittingly, 250,000 bottles of the finest Trump-branded steaks (all gristle, no substance). The court, in its infinite wisdom, decided that Trump's denials were not just garden-variety lies but actual defamation, which is a fancy legal term for 'you done screwed up, Donny'.
Now, the UK legal experts. Oh, how they crow! They gather in their oak-panelled chambers with their claret and their leather-bound precedents, declaring that this ruling sets a shining example for British jurisprudence. But let us not forget that the same experts once argued that Brexit would be a fantastic idea, so perhaps we should take their enthusiasm with a pinch of salt the size of Trump's ego. 'Landmark ruling' they say, as if Carroll's victory was a sudden thunderbolt from the heavens, rather than the culmination of years of gruelling legal battles, appeals, and the sheer Sisyphean labour of a woman who refused to stay silent.
Make no mistake: this is a victory. A victory for Carroll, a victory for survivors, and a victory for the idea that powerful men cannot simply slither away from accountability like greased eels in a courtroom. But it is also a sobering reminder of how low the bar has sunk. For decades, Trump has operated in a bubble of privilege and plausible deniability, protected by armies of lawyers and the sheer force of his bluster. Today, a crack appeared in that bubble. A $5m crack, to be precise.
Yet, as we raise a glass of overpriced airport gin to celebrate, we must remain vigilant. Trump will appeal, of course. He will fulminate on Truth Social, call the judge a 'disgrace', and claim that Carroll is a 'nutjob' who made it all up. He will fundraise off this ruling, because that is what he does: turn every loss into a grift. The circus never ends. But for one glorious moment, the clowns got a pie in the face.
So let us mark this day. Let us remember that justice, though slow and expensive, occasionally arrives. Let us tip our hats to E. Jean Carroll, who did what so many could not: she won. And for the rest of us, let this be a lesson. The law is not always a farce. Sometimes, it is a slow, grinding, bureaucratic farce with moments of startling clarity. As for Trump, he can add another court-ordered payment to his collection, right next to the charity fraud and the university scam. He may be a convicted fraudster with a horde of loyal followers, but at least he's a slightly poorer fraudster today.
And that, dear readers, is something worth raising a glass to. Even if it's gin.
