The President of the United States, that walking monument to pomposity and hair product, has turned his attention to the National Mall's Reflecting Pool. Yes, the same man who believes climate change is a Chinese hoax and that wind turbines cause cancer is now on a crusade against a leaky basin of water. He has ordered immediate repairs. Quelle surprise.
One can almost picture it: Donald J. Trump, in his too-long tie and too-orange skin, standing before the pool with a rolled-up blueprint, barking at terrified staff. "Make it reflect more! Better reflections! The best reflections!" Meanwhile, the pool itself probably looked up at him with the weary resignation of a public servant forced to attend yet another pointless meeting.
But here's where it gets truly farcical. In a move that will surely have Brexiteers weeping into their warm beer, British horticulture experts have offered their conservation advice. Yes, from the nation that brought us the hanging basket and the lovingly maintained village green, comes a gentle hand across the pond. The Royal Horticultural Society, presumably on a lunch break from judging marrows, has released a statement suggesting that draining the pool and planting wildflower meadows might be a more "sustainable and ecologically beneficial approach."
Let's pause to consider the sheer audacity. The President of the United States, a man who has threatened to nuke hurricanes and solved the Puerto Rico crisis by tossing paper towels, is now being lectured on aquatic maintenance by a bunch of chaps in tweed who pronounce "bath" with a flat 'a'. It's like being told how to run a casino by a nun. Or taking golf lessons from a giraffe. The sheer chutzpah.
But wait, there's more. The RHS, in their infinite politeness, have also offered to "send a delegation to advise on the conservation of aquatic habitats and the reduction of water loss." One imagines this delegation arriving at the White House, armed with thermoses of tea and waterproof notebooks, only to be met by a baffled Secret Service agent asking if they have an appointment. And then, the inevitable meeting with the President, where they try to explain biodiversity while he tweets about his approval ratings.
The Reflecting Pool itself is a national embarrassment, second only to the current occupant of the Oval Office. It leaks as much as a sieve, costs millions to maintain, and no one really uses it except for tourists taking photos and the occasional protest. If Trump were truly serious about "conservation" (a word he probably thinks is French for something), he'd turn it into a car park. But no, he wants to fix it. Why? Because it reflects poorly on his administration. Literally. The pool's inability to hold water is a metaphor for his entire presidency.
And so, we have the perfect storm: a narcissist with a construction background, a leaky monument to American ambition, and a bunch of Brits who think the answer to everything is more hedgerows. It is a comedy of manners written by a drunk playwright. The only thing missing is a cameo from the Queen, or perhaps a corgi wearing a hard hat.
In the end, the pool will probably be fixed with a Trump-branded sealant, at ten times the normal cost, and the British experts will go home clutching a signed copy of 'The Art of the Deal' and wondering if they should have just recommended a giant pond liner. The whole affair is a perfect microcosm of the modern age: a tiny problem blown out of all proportion, international relations reduced to a dispute over standing water, and everyone involved looking slightly ridiculous. I need a drink. Preferably gin. No, definitely gin.
