In a move that has sent tremors through the Washington establishment, President Donald J. Trump is set to appoint his longtime loyalist and former impeachment lawyer, Pat Blanche, as the permanent Attorney General of the United States. The announcement, expected as soon as this week, promises to complete the White House's purge of any lingering vestige of institutional independence within the Department of Justice. Critics, including a chorus of former attorneys general and constitutional scholars, are already denouncing the appointment as the final nail in the coffin of American jurisprudence. But in the fever dream of Trump's Washington, such concerns are mere background noise to the symphony of sycophancy.
Blanche, a man whose legal career has been defined by an unerring ability to align his arguments with whatever posture benefits his client most, will now supervise the nation's top law enforcement agency. His credentials? He successfully defended Trump during the first impeachment trial, a feat that required the intellectual equivalent of balancing a teacup on a bulldog's nose. Since then, he has proven himself an invaluable asset, willing to shred any norm or rule in service to his patron. The Department of Justice, once a temple of blind justice, is now to be repurposed as a private law firm for the Trump family.
The reshuffle comes after months of tension between the White House and acting Attorney General Jeffrey Rosen, whose occasional lapses into something reminiscent of independence saw him quickly marginalised. Rosen, a man who appeared to believe that the Attorney General's job description still included concepts like 'rule of law' and 'impartiality', was never going to last. His fatal mistake was not realising that the only client worth having in this administration is the man behind the Resolute Desk. As one senior administration official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they fear their boss's retribution, put it: 'Jeff thought he was working for the United States. That's adorable.'
Blanche's appointment signals a new era of legal interpretation where the Constitution is considered a 'do-over' document and the Fifth Amendment is just a suggestion. Expect the DOJ to pivot aggressively toward protecting the President from any lingering inquiries, including the ongoing investigations into his tax returns and his role in the storming of the Capitol building. In an interview last week, Blanche hinted at his vision, stating that 'the law must reflect the will of the people, and the people have spoken loud and clear through their chosen leader.' It is a thesis that would make a banana republic blush.
The reaction from the political class has been predictable. Democrats have cried foul, with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi declaring that 'this is not a banana republic, even if it tastes like one.' Meanwhile, the Republican leadership has remained largely silent, caught between their desire for power and the increasingly obvious fact that they have hitched their wagon to a horse that is not just heading for the wrong barn but is actively trying to burn it down. Senator Mitch McConnell, whose silence has become something of a national sport, reportedly muttered something about 'letting the process play out' before scurrying back to his office to pray for a meteor.
As for the rest of the country, the mood is one of grim amusement. The Trump administration has systematically dismantled every check and balance with the precision of a drunk surgeon, and the appointment of Blanche is just another fresh incision. But what else would one expect from a man who once described his relationship with the law as 'transactional'? In the end, it is the voters who will have the last word, assuming they can find the ballot box through the smoke and mirrors. Until then, we are left with the spectacle of a nation's legal system being reduced to a punchline. And what a punchline it is.
Let us raise a glass of airport gin, the only drink foul enough to toast this farce. Cheers to Pat Blanche, the new Attorney General of the United States. May his tenure be as brief and catastrophic as his predecessor's sanity.
