In a move that has sent a shudder through the marble corridors of the Ministry of Justice, Donald Trump has announced his intention to nominate the illustrious Blanche as the permanent Attorney General of the United States. Yes, the same Blanche who has been acting as the legal equivalent of a fire extinguisher in a burning building, now to be given the keys to the kingdom. Whitehall, in a state of panic that can only be compared to a man who has just discovered his trousers are on fire, is now frantically analysing the implications for US-UK legal cooperation.
Let us first consider the man himself. Blanche is to the law what a toddler is to fine china: unpredictable, destructive, and likely to cause a scene. He has the legal acumen of a terrier chasing a postman, but with less restraint. His appointment is a masterpiece of Trumpian logic, akin to appointing a penguin as head of the Sahara Desert tourism board. But here we are, in a world where reality has been beaten to a pulp and left in a ditch.
Now, Whitehall's analysis is a treat for the connoisseur of governmental hand-wringing. They have convened a committee, no doubt chaired by a man named Nigel who smells faintly of tweed and desperation. Their report will be filed in triplicate, in a language so bureaucratic that it makes Esperanto look poetic. The key findings? That Blanche is likely to 'challenge' extradition agreements, 'reinterpret' mutual legal assistance treaties, and possibly 'reclassify' the entire concept of justice as 'optional'. The horror, the horror.
But let us not be too harsh. Perhaps Blanche will bring a fresh perspective. Perhaps he will see the legal system as a blank canvas on which to paint his own masterpiece of chaos. Or perhaps he will simply use it as a footstool. Either way, the US-UK legal cooperation, that beautiful child of diplomacy, is about to be put through a blender.
What does this mean for the average British citizen? It means that if you are extradited to the US, your legal representation might be a man who thinks 'habeas corpus' is a type of pasta. It means that the Special Relationship, that sacred bond of shared language and mutual misapprehension, is about to be tested by a man who probably thinks 'international law' is a brand of olives. In short, we are in for a bumpy ride.
So raise a glass, dear reader. But make it a stiff one. For we are about to witness the greatest legal spectacle since the trial of the century, which was last Tuesday, and the one before that, and the one before that. Blanche is coming, and he is bringing his own brand of justice. God save the Queen, and God help us all.
