Financial disclosures from the Trump camp have landed like a leaden fruitcake at a temperance meeting. The man who once commandeered the highest office in the land now appears to be running a particularly aggressive car boot sale from a golf cart. Among the declared assets: Bibles (gilt-edged, possibly annotated by the Archangel Gabriel), the film *Home Alone* (fitting, given his recent solitude from the GOP), and a signature perfume that probably smells like banality and broken promises.
British regulators, ever the fun-suckers, are now probing whether this portfolio constitutes tax evasion or simply the world’s most narcissistic charity shop. This is the kind of financial disclosure that would make a pirate blush. The Bibles alone raise questions: is he selling them as props for a second coming of his presidency?
The perfume, naturally, is intended to mask the stench of his last term. ‘Home Alone’ might be autobiographical, or perhaps he just owns the rights to a film about a child terrorising burglars, which is essentially his strategy for the 2024 election. British regulators, with their stiff upper lips and calculators, are now wondering if these are legitimate holdings or a performance art piece titled ‘Late-Stage Capitalism.
’ My sources tell me the man is selling these items from the boot of a Duesenberg, all while humming the *Home Alone* theme tune. The perfume is called ‘Covfefe’ and is sold in bottles shaped like a resigning cabinet member. The Bibles are autographed and come with a personal note: ‘I am the chosen one.
’ This is the sort of thing that gives capitalism a bad name, or at least a very peculiar odour. The British probe will likely conclude that Trump’s finances are a work of fiction, perhaps a sequel to *The Art of the Deal* written entirely in invisible ink. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to wonder: is this the beginning of the end, or just another episode of ‘The Apprentice’ where the boardroom is a tax tribunal and the firing is done by HMRC?
Stay tuned for the bitter end, which will probably be sold on QVC.
