In a spectacle that made the Great Wall look like a garden fence, President Donald Trump descended upon Beijing for a state visit that British diplomats have since analysed with the kind of forensic detail usually reserved for decomposing bodies. Let us be clear: this was not diplomacy. This was a circus with nuclear codes.
The visit, billed as a charm offensive, quickly devolved into a series of moments that will haunt the annals of international relations like a bad curry. Trump, resplendent in a tie the colour of a warning signal, shook hands with President Xi Jinping in the Great Hall of the People. The handshake lasted exactly 17 seconds, long enough to be recorded by history but too short for any actual agreement to form.
Then came the dinner. A state banquet featuring Peking duck and, one presumes, a side of humble pie for the Western contingent. Trump reportedly spent much of the meal extolling the virtues of his own crowd sizes, while Xi nodded with the patience of a man who has seen emperors come and go. The real fireworks, however, occurred during the press conference. Trump, asked about human rights, responded with a soliloquy on the beauty of Chinese smog. 'It's a thick, beautiful haze,' he said. 'Very presidential.'
British diplomats, huddled in a corner of the embassy with cups of weak tea, produced a memo the length of a Tolstoy novel, concluding that the visit achieved precisely nothing except a shared appreciation for gold-plated hotel bathrooms. 'We have analysed the outcomes,' read the statement, 'and it appears the only tangible result is a new golf course in Hainan.'
Meanwhile, the Chinese media spun the visit as a triumph of communist hospitality, showing footage of Trump laughing at Xi's jokes, which experts suspect were about the futility of American trade policy. In a particularly surreal moment, Trump was gifted a panda. He tried to put it in his car. 'It's mine now,' he told aides, who had to explain the logistics of transporting a giant panda on Air Force One.
The analysis from Whitehall suggests that the 'special relationship' between the UK and US is now operating on the level of a shared disdain for queuing. As one diplomat quipped, 'We've gone from Churchill and Roosevelt to Trump and a panda. Progress, I think.'
In conclusion, the state visit was a masterclass in diplomatic theatre, complete with lavish dinners, awkward silences, and the distinct impression that everyone was reading from scripts written in different languages. The only clear outcome is that the world's two largest economies have agreed to disagree, albeit while smiling for the cameras. And somewhere in a Chinese zoo, a panda is wondering what it did to deserve this.
As for the gin, it was Bombay Sapphire, air freighted from London. Tasted like regret.
