LONDON. In a move that has shocked precisely no one with more than two functioning braincells and a smidgen of decency, the United States has decided that the best way to combat a global pandemic is to pull the plug on HIV funding for South Africa. Because nothing says 'Make America Great Again' like letting thousands of people die from a treatable disease, apparently. Meanwhile, Britain, in a rare flash of not being completely useless, has stepped up its global health commitments, presumably to remind the world that we may have Brexit but at least we haven't developed a death wish for the developing world.
This extraordinary act of petty malevolence from the White House is like watching a toddler angrily grab his toys and stomp off because he didn't get to go first on the slide. Except this toddler has nuclear codes and a pathological hatred for anything that isn't a white, straight, rich, American male. Dr Fauci is probably sitting in his bunker, muttering into his coffee, 'I told them. I told them so many times.' But no one listens to the man who has actually saved lives. They listen to the orange-tinted buffoon who thinks injecting bleach is a viable medical strategy.
South Africa, a nation that has been battling HIV since before most of us could spell 'immune deficiency', now faces a yawning gap in funding. The PEPFAR program, once a shining beacon of American foreign policy, is now just another tool for blackmailing countries into submission. 'Do what we want, or your sick people die.' Charming. It's like a James Bond villain, but with less charisma and more golf.
Enter Britain, stage left, clutching a cheque and a stiff upper lip. The UK government has announced a new wave of global health commitments, presumably to fill the void left by the American withdrawal from basic human decency. 'We will not let the world's most vulnerable suffer for the sake of political point-scoring,' said a spokesperson, looking appropriately grave and slightly smug. It's the kind of gesture that makes you want to pat a Brit on the head and say, 'Well done, old chap. You've remembered that compassion exists.' Then you remember that this is the same country that thought Brexit was a good idea, and you feel a bit less impressed.
But let's give credit where it's due. The British government, for all its flaws, has at least recognised that public health is not a bargaining chip. They have upped their contributions to the Global Fund and other initiatives, hoping to stave off the catastrophe that the US has so graciously invited. It's like watching a flustered host trying to salvage a dinner party after a guest has deliberately spilled red wine on the host's mother-in-law. 'No, no, it's fine. I've got some soda water. Let me just... yes. Here we go.'
Meanwhile, the people of South Africa, who are already dealing with enough absurd crap from their own government, now have to contend with the whims of a foreign leader who thinks a tan is a sign of good health. The irony is thick enough to slice. Here is a man who famously avoids exercise, eats like a 14-year-old on a road trip, and relies on a team of doctors to keep his arteries from spontaneously combusting. And he is cutting funding for HIV. It would be funny if it weren't so deadly.
So, what are we to make of this? The US has shown its true colours: the colours of a spoiled child who breaks his toys when he doesn't get his way. Britain, meanwhile, has donned the mantle of the responsible adult, albeit one who is still trying to tidy up the mess from the last party. But let's not get too self-congratulatory. This is a crisis that should never have happened. HIV funding is not a charity; it's a necessity. It's the bare minimum of what a civilised world does.
In conclusion, the United States has decided that global health is optional. Britain has decided that it isn't. The rest of us are just watching, gin in hand, wondering how many more lives are going to be sacrificed on the altar of narcissism and incompetence. Cheers, then. To the cynics, the survivors, and the people who refuse to let the world burn for the sake of a headline. You know who you are.