In a development that has left Number 10 reaching for the commemorative teacups, the United States Congress has delivered a resounding raspberry to Donald Trump’s plan to ignite the Middle East like a faulty gas barbecue. The resolution, which passed with bipartisan gusto, essentially tells the orange-tinted would-be Caesar: 'No, you may not start a war with Iran today. Try again after a nap.
' Britain, ever the loyal but increasingly queasy poodle, has responded with a statement so carefully worded it could have been written by a diplomat on sedatives. 'We support our allies in their democratic processes,' they chorused, which is diplomatic code for 'Thank God someone stopped that man from buying a drone strike on eBay again.' The irony of the situation is enough to curdle milk: a country that cannot agree on whether to wear masks in a pandemic has found unity in telling its leader that bombing Tehran is a poor substitute for a Channel 5 documentary on icebergs.
Meanwhile, Downing Street’s official position is to maintain a 'strong bilateral relationship,' which is foreign office speak for 'Please don’t notice that we’re hiding under the table with a bag over our head.' The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, was reportedly glimpsed muttering 'Carpe diem' while staring at a map of the Gulf, before being handed a note reminding him that 'diplomacy' is not something you order at a kebab shop. As for the Iranian response, they have not yet commented, possibly because they are too busy laughing or weeping.
Or both. The Guardian’s editorial board is already sharpening their pencils, but frankly, the whole affair smells like a bad remake of 'Dr. Strangelove' with a cast of Gilbert and Sullivan rejects.
Britain, for once in its post-imperial torpor, has chosen discretion over valour; it’s not a bold stance, but it’s better than the alternative. And in a world where a man with a combover can tweet a war into existence, that might just pass for victory.
