In a development that has shocked precisely nobody with a functional cortex, Ukraine has been accused of slaughtering four souls in Crimea. The accused nation, which has been defending its sovereign soil from a Russian invasion that resembles a particularly aggressive game of Risk, has responded with a collective shrug and a pointed reminder that Crimea is, in fact, theirs. Britain, meanwhile, has done what Britain does best: stood firm on Kyiv’s right to self-defence while probably sipping tea and adjusting a monocle.
Let us paint the scene. Crimea, 2014: Russia, with the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, annexed the peninsula. Ukraine, still picking the shrapnel of history from its teeth, vowed to reclaim it. Fast-forward to now: four alleged fatalities, a flurry of accusations, and a chorus of 'It wasn't us!' from Moscow. But here's the rub: Ukraine has been quite clear that it reserves the right to hit back. And by 'hit back', it means lobbing ordnance at anything resembling a Russian base.
Britain, ever the bowler-hatted uncle at the family picnic, has issued a statement. 'We are aware of the allegations,' it droned, 'but we maintain that Ukraine has the right to defend itself against Russian aggression.' Translate that from Diplomatic English: 'We’re not losing sleep over this, chaps. Carry on.'
This is, of course, the same Britain that supplied Ukraine with long-range missiles and then acted surprised when they were used. The same Britain that has been training Ukrainian soldiers to fight like British ones, which is to say, with stiff upper lips and a penchant for apologising after explosions. The hypocrisy is so thick you could spread it on a crumpet.
But let us not be too harsh on the Foreign Office. After all, what is a little collateral damage between allies? The real scandal here is that anyone expects a nation under existential threat to pull its punches. Imagine you are being pummelled by a man twice your size, and someone hands you a cricket bat. Would you use it to gently tap his knee and ask for a timeout? No. You would swing for the bleachers.
Crimea itself is a chimera of a place: legally Ukrainian, actually Russian, and now a perennial flashpoint. The four dead will be mourned, of course. But in the grand theatre of war, they are bit players. The real show is the diplomatic ballet: accusations, denials, and a queue of nations choosing sides based on their proximity to Russian gas.
So here we are, once again, watching the world burn and tutting about the heat. Britain stands firm because standing firm is cheap. It costs nothing to issue a statement. It costs nothing to support Ukraine's right to defend itself from a safe distance. Meanwhile, the bodies pile up, and the pundits churn out opinions like sausages.
I am Biff Thistlethwaite, and I have run out of gin. This is the news. Do with it what you will, but spare me the moral outrage. We are all complicit in this farce.
