In a revelation that has sent tremors through the quiet corridors of celebrity ancestry research, a Grammy-winning director (the name escapes me, but rest assured, he owns at least one statuette that cost more than my entire liver) has unveiled the previously classified exploits of his Nigerian grandfather during the Biafran War. The discovery, made during a routine scroll through the family album (or possibly Ancestry.com), has already been optioned for a seven-part Netflix series, a video game, and a commemorative gin.
The director, whose previous work includes a documentary about a sentient toaster, described the project as 'a visceral, immersive journey into the heart of African darkness, but with better lighting and a soundtrack by someone I met at a party.' The Biafran War, for those who missed it (everyone born after 1970), was a civil conflict in Nigeria between 1967 and 1970, notable for its staggering humanitarian disaster, its abundance of sepia-toned photographs, and its complete lack of celebrity endorsements until now. The grandfather, a former Biafran colonel named Chief Ezekiel Somebody, is said to have been instrumental in the procurement of tinned corned beef and the strategic deployment of grand-uncles.
'He was a man of great courage and even greater moustache,' the director told the press, wiping away a single, camera-ready tear. The film, tentatively titled 'The Last Biafran: A Search for Meaning (and Box Office Receipts),' will star an A-list actor yet to be cast, but who will inevitably adopt a wobbly Nigerian accent and lose three stone for the role. Critics have already begun to sharpen their quills: 'A cynical exploitation of a national tragedy disguised as a self-discovery narrative,' opined one particularly soy-faced blogger.
'I can't wait to see the soundtrack on vinyl,' gushed another. Nigeria's current government, still trying to figure out what to do about the country's 200-plus million people, has offered no official comment, though a junior minister was overheard muttering about 'intellectual property rights.' Meanwhile, the director's Instagram feed has already transformed into a shrine of black-and-white portraits of elderly Igbos, each captioned with poorly translated pidgin and a link to a GoFundMe for 'research.
' In related news, a former Rolling Stones guitarist has announced plans to discover his ancestors were the founders of the Benin Empire, but only after he finishes his tour. As for the gin, it's described as having 'notes of gunpowder, yam, and vague guilt.' Cheers.
