In a move that has sent shockwaves through the charity shops of Britain and rendered the nation's DVD collection obsolete overnight, Grand Theft Auto 6 – the most anticipated video game since the invention of the pixel – has been confirmed as a download-only release. Rockstar Games, in a fit of digital audacity, have decided that physical discs are about as relevant as a beermat in a hurricane.
This is the moment the British gaming industry has been gearing up for, like a pensioner with a new pair of slippers. We are leading the charge into a paperless, plastic-free future where the only thing you'll be holding is your console controller and a sense of existential dread as the download bar creeps towards 100%.
But let's not be churlish. This is progress, you fools. No more scratched discs, no more swapping out cartridges, no more having to actually get off your sofa to change a game. It's the dream of every lazy sod who ever thought 'I could do with a bit more Grand Theft Auto and a bit less walking'. The British gaming industry, long the butt of jokes about rain and queuing, is now at the vanguard of a digital revolution that will see the end of physical media as we know it. Hoorah, I say. Hoorah, and pass the gin.
Of course, there are some who will mourn the loss of the physical. They'll talk about the joy of unboxing, the smell of a fresh manual, the satisfying click of a disc slotting into place. To these people I say: get a life, or at least a better hobby. You can keep your cardboard sleeves and your pixelated nostalgia. I'll take my instant download and my 500 gigabyte hard drive, thank you very much.
But what of the infrastructure, you ask? What of the nation's broadband speeds, which are about as consistent as a British summer? Fear not, for the industry has a solution: you will simply have to wait. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week, maybe for the heat death of the universe. Patience, like tea and biscuits, is a British virtue.
And so we stand on the precipice of a new age. An age where Grand Theft Auto 6 will be piped directly into our living rooms, bypassing the shopkeeper, the delivery driver, and the landfill. It is efficient, it is modern, and it is utterly, utterly emblematic of our times. Hats off, then, to the British gaming industry for once again showing the world how it's done. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a download to start. I'll be back next Tuesday.
