In a blow to the transatlantic alliance of bad behaviour, a self-styled 'MAGA influencer' has been found guilty of assault on the London Underground, proving that even the most vapid of Yanks can be held accountable by the stiff upper lip of British justice. The defendant, one Chadlington 'Chad' von Snortington, a man whose social media presence consists largely of shouting at vegans and spouting constitutional amendments he clearly hasn't read, decided to bring his particular brand of 'freedom' to the Circle Line. The incident, which involved von Snortington allegedly 'asserting his rights' by shoving a ticket inspector who had the temerity to ask for his Oyster card, culminated in a trial that the defendant seemed to think was a reality show.
He reportedly arrived at court wearing a 'Don't Tread on Me' face mask and carrying a copy of the Second Amendment, which he seemed to believe applied to the London Underground. The jury, a group of long-suffering Britons who had to sit through three days of the defendant's 'sovereign citizen' rants, took less than an hour to find him guilty. The verdict was met with a round of silent, British-style gloating: a slight nod of the head from the magistrate, a pursing of lips from the clerk, and the sound of a single Aldi custard cream being snapped in two.
Von Snortington's sentencing, which will include a fine and possibly a ban from public transport, is a welcome reminder that the Tube is a place for quiet, orderly commuting, not for performing one's 'patriotic duty' to harass the staff. As the defendant was led away, he reportedly shouted, 'This is an outrage! I'll take this to the Supreme Court!
' to which a passing cleaner muttered, 'That's the one in Washington, mate. Different escalator.' British justice: 1, MAGA melodrama: 0.
Now, if only it extended to the White House.
