In a move that has sent shivers down the spines of Instagram influencers and TikTok travel vloggers everywhere, the British aviation authority has declared war on the humble power bank. Yes, that sleek, portable slab of lithium-ion treachery that promises to keep your dopamine drip flowing at 30,000 feet has been unmasked as a fiery menace. Apparently, these little bricks of potential inferno are topping the charts of onboard fire starters, ahead of questionable duty-free perfumes and the overpriced headphones that never work.
The Civil Aviation Authority, in a moment of rare clarity between cups of undrinkable airport coffee, has mandated new safety checks. Ground crews are now to inspect these devices with the same suspicion usually reserved for passengers wearing novelty socks and carrying a single, unlabelled suitcase. One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from pilots who have long suspected that the real threat to aviation isn't terrorism but the collective battery drain of a thousand selfie sticks.
The irony, of course, is that the very devices meant to keep us connected are now being treated like ticking time bombs. Expect new regulations that will require power banks to be surrendered at the gate, where they will be lovingly placed in a lead-lined bin and returned only after a full psychiatric evaluation. The aviation authority's statement, dripping with the gravitas of a man announcing a nuclear meltdown, warned that 'failure to comply may result in delays, denial of boarding, or a gentle but firm talking to.
' In related news, sales of pocket-sized fire extinguishers and asbestos-lined phone cases are expected to skyrocket. Because if there's one thing the modern traveller loves, it's another layer of bureaucratic hassle to ensure their Instagram feed remains uninterrupted. Biff Thistlethwaite, reporting from a seat where I'm now nervously eyeing my own charge pack like it's a live grenade.
