In a move that has sent shockwaves through the cinematic establishment and caused every independent filmmaker within a fifty-mile radius to spontaneously develop a nervous twitch, Warner Bros has been sold to Paramount for a staggering $111 billion. The deal, approved by regulators who presumably were paid off with an obscene amount of free popcorn, has been hailed as a 'synergistic opportunity' by the sort of people who use words like 'synergistic' without a trace of irony.
Let us, for a moment, consider the implications of this unholy union. We are now faced with a Hollywood juggernaut so colossally bloated that it could swallow the entire British film industry as a light mid-morning snack. The idea that this merger will result in anything other than a parade of saccharine sequels and soulless superhero franchises is about as likely as me voluntarily ordering a non-alcoholic beverage.
The British studios, already teetering on the brink of financial ruin since the last Harry Potter film, are now staring into the abyss with the kind of existential dread usually reserved for a middle-aged man realising his hairline is on a permanent retreat. The merger will allow this new behemoth to dictate terms, squash competition, and generally behave like the schoolyard bully who steals your lunch money and then eats your lunch in front of you.
But fear not, dear reader, for I have a plan. A plan so audacious, so utterly deranged, that it might just work. We must form a coalition of the downtrodden, a ragtag army of independent filmmakers, struggling actors, and desperate screenwriters. We will take to the streets, not with placards, but with cameras. We will shoot our own films, on shoestring budgets, in the back rooms of pubs and the gardens of suburban homes. We will create a new wave of British cinema so raw, so real, so gloriously un-Hollywood that the masses will flock to it like seagulls to a chip.
Or we could just do what we always do: sit back, drink heavily, and watch as the cultural landscape is systematically strip-mined by corporate interests. Either way, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Pass the gin.
