In a development that has sent shockwaves through the American establishment and caused several senators to clutch their pearls in abject horror, the iconic Reflecting Pool on the National Mall has been given a fresh lick of paint. Yes, you read that correctly. Paint. On water. Because apparently, in the Land of the Free, even the H2O requires a makeover if it’s to maintain its patriotic sheen. The results, much to the chagrin of the nation’s birdlife and the delight of conspiracy theorists everywhere, have left the pool looking like a portal to the abyss. A great, oily, black mirror reflecting the soul of a nation in decline. Or perhaps just reflecting the fact that someone has had a dreadful, dreadful idea.
According to official sources, the National Park Service (or as I call it, the NPS, which in this instance stands for ‘National Paint Splatterers’) insists that the dye is perfectly safe, non-toxic, and will dissipate within 48 hours. It is, they claim, a temporary measure designed to ‘improve the water clarity’ and ‘control algae’. To which I say: bollocks. The only thing this is controlling is my rapidly dwindling faith in humanity. I have seen clearer liquids in a tramp’s flagon of meths after a three-day bender. And I am a man who knows his dubious fluids.
Of course, the public has reacted with the sort of bewildered fury normally reserved for airport gin prices. Social media is ablaze with citizens wondering if this is some sort of elaborate metaphor for the current administration. Is the Reflecting Pool reflecting the state of the union? Is it foreshadowing some dark event? Is it merely the result of a monumental cock-up by a junior employee who confused the orders for the pool with the orders for a goth nightclub? We may never know. But what we do know is that the ducks, those stoic feathered diplomats, have been seen giving the water a wide berth. Even they have standards.
Mayor Muriel Bowser, when reached for comment, was said to be ‘in consultations’. Which is Washington speak for ‘hiding under a desk’. Aides confirmed that she is ‘monitoring the situation closely’, which is of course Washington speak for ‘praying it goes away before the evening news’. Meanwhile, the President, who had been planning a grand photo op at the pool later this week, has reportedly scrapped the event and is now looking into alternative backdrops. Rumour has it he fancies a pond. A small, non-reflective pond. Preferably one that hasn’t been gothified by a rogue civil servant.
As a gonzo journalist whose blood is 40 proof and 60% righteous indignation, I can see this for what it truly is. It is the latest salvo in a long war against reality. A government so desperate to control the narrative that it will even blacken the face of its own hallowed waters. It is a lie, writ large and shimmering. Soon, they’ll be painting the sky. They’ll be telling us that the sun is actually a lightbulb, and the moon is a stage prop. But we know the truth. We see the gin-coloured glass for what it is. The pool is black because the nation’s soul is black. And no amount of fish-friendly dye is going to change that.
I will, of course, be filing a follow-up report from a nearby bar. The only clear liquid I can trust. Salut.
