In a tragic twist that would make even Stan Lee reach for the gin bottle, the so-called 'Spider-Man of Yemen' has met his sticky end at the bottom of a volcanic crater. The daredevil, known only as 'Abu al-Wahid' to his adoring fans, was live-streaming his latest stunt when he misjudged a swing and plummeted into the fiery maw of the Dhala volcano. One moment he was quipping about the heat, the next he was a sizzling kebab on the crust of the earth.
Let us pause to marvel at the sheer absurdity of a man who draped himself in a homemade spandex suit, shot webs from a repurposed plumbing gun, and fought crime in the war-torn streets of Aden. He was the hero we didn't deserve, but the one we got anyway, a shining beacon of hope in a country where hope is a scarce commodity.
Now, he has become a martyr to the cause of loony stunts. The footage, which has since been scrubbed from the internet by authorities who fear it might inspire copycat falls, shows our arachnid friend scaling the crater's rim. His final words, as far as I can tell from the mangled audio, were 'I am the Spider-Man. I can do this.' Spoiler alert: he couldn't.
The crater, a simmering bowl of magma, has become his tomb. Rescue teams have given up on retrieving the body, citing the extreme heat and the likelihood that he has already been vaporised. Local officials have declared the site a no-go zone, but that won't stop the tourists. Already, enterprising vendors are selling 'Spider-Man's Last Stand' T-shirts at the crater's edge. The economy, it seems, thrives on tragedy.
But let's not get too maudlin. This is the same man who once tried to web-sling between two minarets and ended up dangling from a satellite dish for three hours. This is the man who, when asked why he did it, replied, 'Because the world is a dark place, and we need a little light.' Well, the light has gone out, and we are left with a dark, volcanic void.
In a statement that reeks of all the pompousness we expect from such occasions, the Yemeni Ministry of Culture paid tribute: 'Abu al-Wahid was a symbol of resilience, a man who used his body as a canvas for hope.' They have also launched an investigation into the legality of homemade web-shooters. Because when a man dies, you must first cover your bureaucratic arse.
I raise a glass of lukewarm gin to the Spider-Man of Yemen. May his final web find purchase in the skies of a better world. Or at least in a less molten one.
