In a development that has left the global intelligence community patting itself on the back with an enthusiasm usually reserved for winning the World Cup, a group of ne’er-do-wells allegedly planned to turn the White House into a very messy shooting gallery. The plot, which involved snipers and drones, was foiled thanks to a tip-off from UK counter-terror forces. Because nothing says 'special relationship' like stopping a group of amateurs from accidentally shooting the Secret Service’s pet cat.
Details are sketchy, as they always are when the spooks are involved, but sources whisper that the plan was to use drones to distract the guards while snipers took aim from a nearby hotel. Because if there’s one thing Hollywood has taught us, it’s that a well-placed drone can solve any security problem. The plot was allegedly hatched by a group of individuals who watch too many action films and clearly never bothered to read up on the White House’s air defence system, which is rumoured to be 'quite good' at stopping anything that flies.
UK intelligence, traditionally known for its restraint and polite understatement, reportedly shared the information with their American counterparts. This has led to a flurry of back-slapping and mutual appreciation, with each side claiming the other was 'absolutely pivotal' in the investigation. It’s heartwarming to see that, despite Brexit and the endless bickering over trade deals, the transatlantic alliance can still function when there’s a common enemy: amateur terrorists who can’t tell a drone from a paper aeroplane.
The arrested individuals, whose names have not been released (probably because they sound like they were invented by a computer program tasked with generating 'most generic terrorist names'), are said to be 'extremely disappointed' that their master plan was uncovered. One can only imagine the planning sessions: 'Okay, so we get three drones, some binoculars, and a couple of hunting rifles from that bloke down the pub. What could possibly go wrong?'
Of course, the real story here is not the plot itself but the fact that UK intelligence is good for something other than monitoring the size of your Facebook photos. For years, MI5 and MI6 have been the punchline of many a joke (How many spies does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’d rather sit in the dark and listen to your phone calls). But this time, they’ve pulled a rabbit out of the hat, and it’s a rabbit with a mission statement: 'We will thwart your toy-plane ambitions with our superior tea-making skills.'
The Americans, for their part, have been gracious in victory. 'We are grateful for the UK’s support,' said a White House spokesman, who also reminded everyone that the best way to avoid being shot is to not be a sniper’s target in the first place. Meanwhile, the drone community is up in arms, complaining that their hobby is being unfairly maligned. 'Not all drones are terrorists,' said a representative from the Drone Lobbying Association, 'some are just used to spy on celebrities.'
What have we learned from this? That the special relationship is alive and well. That UK spies can still surprise us. And that if you’re going to plot a terrorist attack, for God’s sake, don’t do it from a hotel window. The curtains are always see-through.
Biff Thistlethwaite, out.
