In a development so profoundly mechanical it could make a Tesla weep with envy, the United States Navy has successfully deployed an unmanned sea drone to pluck a helicopter crew from the Mediterranean’s chilly embrace. The Royal Navy, ever watchful from across the pond, is said to be ‘taking notes’ with the sort of desperate enthusiasm usually reserved for watching a magician who won’t reveal his tricks. The drone, a sleek, unfeeling contraption that probably has a better pension plan than most journalists, performed its aquatic heroics without so much as a sip of gin.
It navigated choppy waters, located the downed airmen, and hauled them aboard its metal deck with all the cold efficiency of a bureaucrat approving a tax form. The helicopter crew, presumably shaken and stirred, were delivered to safety with nary a dropped stitch. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy’s brass are reportedly ‘evaluating the technology’ with furrowed brows and stiff upper lips.
One can only imagine the high-level chatter: ‘I say, Terrance, could we perhaps fashion a similar device from a leftover decommissioned submarine and a few tea cosies?’ The truth is, the age of the salty sea dog is dying. Soon, we’ll have robot admirals demanding robot grog and robot shanties.
But fear not: the British spirit will endure, even if it’s served by a machine that doesn’t understand the value of a proper double. The Ministry of Defence has declined to comment, probably because they’re busy drafting a response that reads, ‘We’ve been doing this since Nelson, thank you very much.’ But as the sun sets on the empire of manned naval aviation, one thing is clear: the future is automated, and it’s coming for your job, your parrot, and your peg leg.
