In news that has sent shockwaves through the chattering classes of both hemispheres, the Land Down Under has officially charged a woman returning from Syria with membership in the Islamic State. Yes, the same Australia that brought us the platypus, the boxing kangaroo, and a Prime Minister who once lost an election to a man who wore an onion on his belt. Now they’re prosecuting people for having a bit of a dalliance with the world’s most notorious book club.
Details are slim, but sources indicate that the woman, a 43-year-old of Somali descent, was apprehended upon her return from the Syrian backwater where she allegedly spent time with the Islamic State. She faces a maximum of fifteen years in a penal colony, which is ironic given the country’s heritage. Australia’s Home Affairs Minister, a man with the demeanour of a disappointed headmaster, stated that “this arrest should send a clear message that attempting to fight for a terrorist organisation is a serious crime.” Quite. Because nothing says “serious” like charging someone in a country where the Prime Minister’s nickname is “Scomo” and the Deputy Prime Minister tried to brawl in a pub.
But wait. There’s more. The UK Border Force, a group of individuals who spend their days verifying that no one has brought in a suspiciously large cheese, has been put on “high alert.” High alert for what, precisely? Perhaps they fear that the woman’s alleged ISIS contacts might now attempt to enter the UK via a packet of Walkers crisps or a commemorative tea towel. The Border Force, last seen losing sleep over a smuggled saveloy, is now scanning the horizon for jihadists disguised as backpackers. They have reportedly ramped up searches of anyone who looks like they might have a passing familiarity with the Hadith or has ever eaten a falafel.
Let us pause to appreciate the sheer theatre of it all. Australia, a nation built on the transportation of criminals, is now charging people for returning from a conflict zone. Meanwhile, the UK, a country that once exported its criminals to Australia, is now fretting about them coming back. It is a cosmic joke of such magnificent proportions that even the platypus, the universe’s finest prank, would be proud.
But beneath the satirical surface lies a grim reality. The woman in question is the first person to be charged under new Australian laws designed to curb the flow of foreign fighters returning from the Middle East. The laws are vague enough to cover a wide range of activities, from actually fighting for ISIS to simply looking at a picture of Raqqa on Google Maps. The legal brains are sharpening their quills, and the tabloids are already composing headlines like “ISIS Bride in Court: Is She a Threat or a Victim?”
Meanwhile, the UK Border Force’s “high alert” means that a few more people will be pulled aside at passport control and subjected to the third degree. They will ask questions like “What was the purpose of your visit to Syria?” and “Do you support the Islamic State?” to which the correct answers are “Tourism, obviously” and “Only their floral arrangements.” The absurdity is staggering: a woman is charged in Australia, and the UK Border Force suddenly goes from checking for fruit booty to looking for would-be caliphs.
In the end, this is a story about fear, theatre, and the eternal truth that governments will always do something, even if that something is useless. Australia has charged a woman. The UK has raised an alert level somewhere between “The Batphone Is Ringing” and “Pre-Windsor Knot Tightening.” And the rest of us will watch, gin in hand, as the circus rolls on.
Biff Thistlethwaite, signing off from the edge of the known universe.
