In a move that has stunned absolutely no one, the Amazon UK boss has pointed a well-manicured finger at the government for the nation's youth unemployment epidemic. Speaking from his throne of cardboard boxes and existential dread, he declared that the 'broken skills policy' is to blame. This, of course, is a revelation so shocking it could only have been unearthed by the combined forces of a corporate HR department and a parrot that's eaten a dictionary.
Let's get our facts straight. Youth unemployment is at a level that would make a Victorian workhouse master blush. But apparently, the root cause isn't the gig economy's relentless hunger for fresh meat, nor the fact that a degree now qualifies you to be a barista. No, the culprit is the government's failure to teach young people 'the right skills'. Right skills? You mean the ability to work 60-hour weeks for the privilege of being shouted at by customers while being paid below a living wage? That's a skill that Amazon's app doesn't even require.
But let's not get bogged down in reality. This is Britain, home of the stiff upper lip and the even stiffer bureaucratic idiocy. The Amazon boss, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, has demanded that the government reform its approach. Because nothing says 'corporate responsibility' like outsourcing the problem to Westminster while you sip a latte made from the tears of minimum-wage employees.
I propose a different approach. Instead of blaming the government, why doesn't Amazon try hiring some of these youths? Yes, I know it's a radical thought. But imagine if we took the billions in profit and used it to train a generation of workers. It's almost too bonkers to consider. But then again, we live in a world where the rich are rewarded for being rich, so perhaps I'm just a naive dreamer.
What we really need is a reformed skills policy that prepares people for the real world. Like how to survive on a zero-hours contract, or how to smile when your soul has been crushed by endless corporate jargon. These are the skills that matter. The government could start by teaching these in schools. Or perhaps we could just replace the school system entirely with a series of Amazon warehouses. Efficiency, after all, is everything.
But let's not be too harsh on the Amazon boss. He's only doing his job: building a narrative that shifts blame from the boardroom to the classroom. It's a classic tactic. When the system fails, blame the victims. It's the British way. And if all else fails, we can always blame the European Union. Brexit, anyone?
So here's my plan. Let's nationalise Amazon. Turn it into a public service that actually pays its workers a living wage. Then we can sort out the skills policy properly. But until then, we'll continue to have the blind leading the blind, with a generous side order of corporate bullshit. Cheers, Amazon. Your compassion is as thin as your cardboard packaging.
This is Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite, signing off. I need another drink.
