In a move that has sent shivers down the spine of every Oval Office intern, Ariana Grande, the platinum-voiced pop juggernaut, has issued a cease-and-desist that would make even the most hardened diplomatic corps blush. Miss Grande, a woman whose vocal cords are insured for more than the UK’s entire arts budget, has formally requested the White House stop using her hits as a soundtrack to their deeply un-American activities. Yes, the very same White House that once hosted a state dinner for a man who thought ‘covfefe’ was a diplomatic term.
Sources confirm that Grande’s legal team, armed with more cease-and-desist threats than a parking attendant in Mayfair, have fired off a tweet that could only be described as a musical declaration of independence. ‘I am not your personal karaoke machine,’ the tweet read, or words to that effect. The White House, which has presumably been bumping ‘Thank U, Next’ during cabinet meetings in a desperate attempt to appear with it, are said to be devastated.
Meanwhile, UK artists, sensing a chance to reclaim some semblance of cultural sovereignty, have rallied behind Grande. Sir Mick Jagger, a man whose hips have outlasted several presidencies, was heard muttering about the sanctity of pop. Stormzy, meanwhile, offered to write a grime track detailing the exact dimensions of the White House’s inadequacy.
It’s a glorious moment of transatlantic solidarity, a beautiful middle finger to the imperialist jukebox. One can only wonder what tune the White House will now defile. Perhaps a nice bit of D:Ream?
Or maybe they’ll just stick to the sound of silence, which, given their track record, is probably for the best.
