In a move that has left diplomats choking on their canapés and submariners chuckling into their periscopes, a former Australian minister has launched a crowd-funded inquiry into the AUKUS pact, questioning whether Britain’s submarine sovereignty has all the structural integrity of a soggy digestive biscuit. The audacity! The sheer unadulterated cheek of it all. It seems the honourable gentleman, whose name escapes me due to the sheer volume of gin I’ve consumed while typing this, has decided that the best way to scrutinise a trillion-dollar defence deal is to beg for pocket change from the Great Unwashed on the internet. Because nothing says ‘serious geopolitical analysis’ like a GoFundMe page with a typo in the URL.
Let us dissect this absurdity with the precision of a hangman loosening a noose. AUKUS, for those of you who have been living under a particularly soundproof rock, is the trilateral security pact between Australia, the United Kingdom, and the United States. It involves Australia acquiring nuclear-powered submarines, a move that thrilled defence contractors and infuriated the French, who were unceremoniously dumped like a lukewarm bouillabaisse. Now, this ex-minister wants to know if Britain’s contribution to the project is, shall we say, seaworthy. He claims that Britain’s submarine programme is ‘delusional’ and ‘not sovereign’. A bold statement from a man whose political career peaked when he successfully banned a type of light bulb.
But wait, there’s more. The inquiry is being dubbed a ‘citizen’s inquiry’ which in layman’s terms means it will have all the authority of a parking ticket appeal written on a napkin. The campaign has raised a sum that would not cover the cost of a decent fountain pen in Whitehall, let alone a submarine. Yet the organisers promise to ‘hold the government to account’ and ‘examine the contracts’. One can only imagine the inquiry’s findings presented on a PowerPoint slide with clip art of submarines and a lot of bold font.
Meanwhile, back in Blighty, the Ministry of Defence is presumably polishing its brass buttons and pretending this whole affair is as dignified as a vicar’s tea party. The submarine programme, already beset by delays and budget overruns that would make a Greek statistician weep, is now under scrutiny from a crowd-funded kangaroo court. The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast. Australia, a nation built on the principle of ‘she’ll be right’, has unleashed a former politician with a PayPal account to investigate one of the most complex defence deals in history.
But let’s not be too harsh. Perhaps this is a masterstroke of democratic accountability. After all, who better to oversee a nuclear submarine programme than a bloke who once asked a question about the price of Vegemite in parliament? And crowd-funding ensures that everyone from the suburban mum to the crypto-bro can chip in for their share of national security. It’s like a neighbourhood watch for nuclear deterrence, except the neighbours are wearing Crocs and drinking Fosters.
In conclusion, this ‘inquiry’ is a magnificent monument to the human capacity for self-delusion. It will produce a report, probably with a bright cover and lots of bullet points, that will be ignored by all concerned. The submarines will continue to be built, albeit slowly and expensively, and the ex-minister will have a pleasant hobby for his retirement. But one thing is certain: the real submarines will remain sovereign, unless someone launches a crowd-funded attempt to claim them via GoFundMe. And if that happens, I’ll be first in line to donate. In gin, naturally.
