In what can only be described as a masterclass in misplaced symbolism, a young bald eagle named 'Spirit of '76' has committed aviation in California. The bird, with all the grace of a drunk MP leaving the Strangers' Bar, flapped its wings and achieved what the Daily Mail would call a 'truly American miracle' – moving through air without a sponsorship deal.
Let us be clear: I have nothing against eagles. They are fine creatures, perfectly adapted to their environment, unlike the politicians who will inevitably use this event to distract from the fact that their own nest is lined with lobbyist cash and broken promises.
The event took place at the San Francisco Zoo, where keepers reported that the eaglet 'showed determination and resilience'. Resilience! The same word is used to describe a prime minister clinging to power while his party drafts a letter. The same word the BBC uses when a government program crashes and burns. If we are to drape the entire United States in the mantle of a fledgling bird, let us at least acknowledge that most of our leaders are more like ostriches – heads buried firmly in the sand, arses exposed to the world.
But no, we must have our totem. The bald eagle, a bird that was almost wiped out by DDT and is now thriving, just like the American Dream, which was also almost wiped out by political stupidity and is now... well, let's not spoil the metaphor with facts.
CNN has already lined up the 'Eagle Cam' and will be providing 24-hour rolling coverage, interspersed with breaking news on how this bird's flight might affect the Iowa caucuses. Fox News will undoubtedly have an unnervingly blonde presenter describing how this eagle's wing flap represents 'traditional values' and 'why we need to secure the borders against Canadian geese'.
Meanwhile, in the real world, the government is shut down, the debt ceiling is a farce, and somewhere a child is eating breakfast from a gas station. But look! A bird! A young bird! With feathers! It is a symbol of hope! Or as I prefer to call it, a feathered distraction.
I propose we stop this nonsense. Let us not read portents in the behaviour of animals. The next time a politician points to an eagle and says 'this represents our national spirit', I suggest we point to a pigeon and say 'this represents the average citizen's opinion of that sentiment'.
In other news, the eagle has landed. On a branch. It's a bird. It does what birds do. Now, where's my gin?
