In a development that has sent tremors through the punditocracy and caused at least three BBC presenters to clutch their pearls, a young bald eagle has taken its inaugural flight in California. Yes, a bird. A bird with a wingspan of roughly six feet and a face that screams 'I demand lower taxes.
' The event, captured on grainy iPhones, has been hailed by British naturalists as a 'potent symbol of American resilience.' Because nothing says 'plucky defiance in the face of adversity' like a confused raptor flapping into a eucalyptus tree. The eagle, dubbed 'Justice' by local schoolchildren (or possibly 'Baldrick' by my subconscious), reportedly soared for a total of 47 seconds before landing awkwardly on a golf course.
A groundsman, interviewed between sips of lukewarm Gatorade, described the moment as 'inspiring, albeit slightly pathetic.' This, dear readers, is the state of modern symbolism. We have reduced the national bird to a totem of recovery, a feathered mascot for a country that currently resembles a toddler on a sugar high.
The naturalists, those tweed-clad purveyors of gentle condescension, have framed this as a 'triumph of the American spirit.' I suppose if a pigeon took a dump on a statue of Churchill, we'd call it a metaphor for Brexit resilience. But let's not be churlish.
The bird is cute. It has that 'just hatched, what is this nonsense?' look in its eyes.
And honestly, given the alternative symbols on offer (a crumbling infrastructure, a deeply confused political landscape, a national obsession with pumpkin spice), a bald eagle having a wobbly first flight is probably the most optimistic thing to happen since someone invented the gin and tonic. The BBC, in their infinite wisdom, have already prepared a four-part documentary tentatively titled 'Wings of Freedom: How a Bird Saved a Nation.' I, for one, cannot wait to see how they spin a bird crapping on a prius as an act of political protest.
So yes, celebrate the eagle. It is a symbol. It is a sign.
It is also slightly disoriented and at risk of being hit by a drone. But isn't that America in a nutshell? Staggering forward, wings akimbo, hoping to hell no one notices the wobble.
I'm off to the airport. The gin there is mediocre, but the metaphor potential is unlimited.
