In a development that has sent shockwaves through the ranks of the terminally outraged, the Supreme Court of the United States has, with a weary sigh, upheld the right of anyone born on American soil to call themselves a Yank. This, despite the fevered dreams of a certain breed of politician who had hoped to repeal the law of gravity along with the 14th Amendment.
Reactions from the American populace have been, predictably, a symphony of screeching tyres and dropped jaws. From the sun-baked parking lots of Arizona to the rain-slicked sidewalks of New York, citizens have been spotted clutching their pearls, their constitutions, and in some cases, their AR-15s, while demanding to know who exactly is responsible for this outrage. (Spoiler alert: it was the Constitution, that pesky bit of parchment from 1868.)
Meanwhile, across the pond, British migration experts have emerged from their ivory towers, blinking in the harsh light of relevance, to offer their considered opinions. Dr. Alistair Pimplethorpe of the Institute for Making Things Complicated stated, “This decision confirms what we have long suspected: the Americans have inadvertently stumbled upon a sensible policy. We recommend they immediately abandon it in favour of something more convoluted, perhaps involving a points system and a mandatory Bake Off audition.”
The ruling has also reignited the age-old debate on whether the United States is a nation of immigrants or a nation of people who are very cross about immigrants. The Honourable Barnaby ‘Biff’ Thistlethwaite, your humble correspondent, can confirm the latter is currently winning by a landslide, at least if one judges by the number of angry Facebook groups dedicated to the subject.
In related news, a rogue algorithm at the Home Office has been found to be automatically rejecting all visa applications from people named ‘Emmeline Pankhurst’ on the grounds of ‘historical insubordination.’ When contacted for comment, a Home Office spokesperson said, “We do not comment on individual cases, but we can confirm that our algorithms are definitely, absolutely not sentient. Yet.”
So, as America basks in the warm glow of constitutional stability, and British pundits sharpen their quills for another round of transatlantic finger-wagging, one thing is clear: the only thing more absurd than American politics is the British fixation on American politics. Pass the gin.
