In a development that has all the hallmarks of a Carry On film directed by Kafka, a British couple’s appeal against their incarceration in Iran has been unceremoniously flushed down the diplomatic loo. The Foreign Office, that bastion of tweed and timidity, has been urged to “escalate diplomatic pressure”, which in layman’s terms means sending a very strongly worded letter that may or may not include a passive-aggressive postscript about tea rationing.
The couple, whose names are being withheld to protect their identities but whose plight is as clear as a gin and tonic on a hot day, have been languishing in an Iranian prison for reasons as murky as the Tehran smog. Charges? Who needs charges when you have a judiciary that operates on a blend of religious fervour and vendetta? Their appeal was dismissed with the sort of breezy finality usually reserved for parking tickets in Westminster.
Meanwhile, the Foreign Office is reportedly “monitoring the situation closely”, which is diplomatic code for “we’re watching Netflix and hoping it goes away”. The call to action comes from a coalition of human rights groups, whose members have probably never been to Iran but have seen *Argo* three times. They want the government to “exert maximum pressure”, which presumably means threatening to ban Iranian exports of pistachios and carpets. That’ll show ‘em.
The British ambassador, a man whose job title is essentially “professional tea-drinker with a side of diplomacy”, has visited the couple twice. Twice! That’s twice more than most of us visit our own grandparents. But in the murky world of international relations, two visits is apparently the equivalent of a shrug and a “tally-ho, old chap”.
This whole affair is a classic example of British diplomacy: all stiff upper lip and no spine. We’ll send a strongly worded letter, then go on holiday to the Algarve and forget about it until the next news cycle. Meanwhile, the couple rot in a cell that probably smells of despair and stale saffron.
The irony is palpable. We invaded Iraq on a whim, but we can’t get two of our citizens out of a prison where the charges are as nebulous as the concept of justice. It’s like having a nuclear arsenal but being afraid to use a water pistol. I blame the gin shortage in the FO canteen. It’s sapped their fighting spirit.
In conclusion, if you’re planning a holiday to Iran, I’d suggest you reconsider. The prisons are full, the appeal system is a farce, and the Foreign Office is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. As for the couple, they can take solace in the fact that at least they’re making headlines. In a few weeks, they’ll be forgotten, like that time we bombed Syria. Ah, the cycle of news. It’s enough to drive a man to drink. More gin, anyone?
