In a development so dripping with cognitive dissonance it could be bottled and sold as a hipster gin, billionaire Leon Black has sauntered out of the Epstein probe like a cat who’s just been told the cream is 100% vegan and cruelty-free. Meanwhile, the British government, in a fit of sudden moral clarity, has demanded global transparency standards. The sheer chutzpah of it all could power a small, very morally confused city.
Let us first roll out the red carpet for Mr Black, a man whose wealth is so vast it has its own gravitational field. He faced questions about his ties to Jeffrey Epstein, that late patron of palm-fronded perversion, and emerged unscathed. The details are murky, as is the way with these affairs, but the outcome was never in doubt. When you have enough money, the legal system resembles less a court of justice and more a concierge service. “Would sir like his indictment quashed with a twist of lemon?” “Certainly, and hold the accountability.”
But hold your righteous outrage, for Britain has a solution! The UK government, currently about as popular as a dietitian at a cake festival, has called for a new era of global transparency. Yes, the same government that has presided over a revolving door between Westminster and corporate boardrooms, the same government that gifted us with PPE contracts handed out like party favours, now wants the world to play by new, cleaner rules. The irony is so thick you could carve it into a statue of hypocrisy and sell it at the Tate Modern.
This demand for transparency is, of course, aimed at others. The US, perhaps, or China. Anywhere but here. It’s a splendid piece of political theatre: rally the public behind a grand, unachievable ideal, while conveniently ignoring the pachyderm in the press conference hall. What is this elephant? It’s the fact that transparency is a wonderful thing, but it tends to be demanded by those who have nothing to hide. And in the world of high finance and geopolitics, everyone has a closet full of skeletons, some of them wearing monocles and smoking cigars.
Consider the Epstein case. A man connected to princes, presidents, and now the black box of Leon Black’s conscience. The probe, initially a searchlight, quickly became a flickering candle. And with the UK’s call for global standards, we are treated to a masterclass in deflection. It’s the political equivalent of a man who has just been caught vomiting on the floor of a pub demanding a nationwide crackdown on public drunkenness.
But let us not be entirely cynical. Perhaps the UK’s proposal is genuine. Perhaps it signals a new dawn where billionaires will be held to account, where offshore accounts will be as transparent as glass, and where the wheels of justice will roll without the lubricant of cash. Perhaps. And perhaps I am actually a crumpet. But I’m not holding my breath. The history of these grand gestures is a graveyard of good intentions.
What we are left with is a world where Leon Black can return to his fortune, the UK can posture on the global stage, and the rest of us can watch this farce unfold from our screens, clutching our cups of overpriced coffee. The real transparency we need is the admission that this system is rigged. But that, of course, would require a truth serum strong enough to drown even the most robust of billionaire’s consciences.
So raise a glass to Leon Black, a free man, and to the UK government, now the world’s moral arbiter. It’s a toast to absurdity, the only currency that never loses value in this modern madhouse.
