In a move that has surprised absolutely no one with a working atlas, the Iranian judiciary has upheld the ten-year prison sentence of a British couple caught, presumably, doing something monumentally stupid. The pair, whose names I shan’t bother learning because they’ll be released in a month once the oil deals are signed, were convicted of espionage. Espionage! As if MI6 would recruit two people who probably pack sandwiches for a long flight and consider ‘venturing abroad’ to Benidorm a daring caper.
The Foreign Office, meanwhile, has announced it is ‘mobilising’ – which in diplomatic terms means making tea and sending a strongly worded fax. Lord Cameron, or whatever his name is this week, has expressed his ‘deep concern’ from the comfort of a leather armchair, probably while nibbling a biscuit. The couple’s families are, naturally, distraught. But let’s be honest, if you travel to Iran with anything less than a full diplomatic convoy and a signed waiver from the Queen, you’re basically asking for a chance to sample the local cuisine and prison architecture.
The real story here is the exquisite theatre of it all. Iran needs a bargaining chip, the UK needs to appear tough on something, and the public gets to clutch their pearls and tut about the state of the world. Meanwhile, the couple rots in a cell contemplating their life choices. What were they doing there? Teaching English? Searching for the world’s worst holiday destination? It doesn’t matter. They are now props in a geopolitical pantomime, and the only question is how many sanctions will be waived before they’re deported with a stern warning not to come back.
And so the circus continues. The Foreign Office will ‘spare no effort’ (translation: make a few calls), the couple will ‘bravely endure’ (translation: cry a lot), and eventually, everyone will pretend this was a great diplomatic victory. But let’s not kid ourselves: this is just another Tuesday in the wonderful world of international relations, where the lives of two idiots are traded like football stickers. God save the King, and God help anyone who thinks a holiday in Tehran is a good idea.
