In a development sure to make Foreign Office mandarins choke on their afternoon digestives, the Democratic Republic of Congo has dragged Rwanda before the International Court of Justice, accusing Kigali of backing the M23 rebels who've been merrily pillaging the eastern DRC's coltan and gold reserves. And where does Britain fit into this telenovela of geopolitical carnage? Why, we're the jolly arms dealer supplying both sides, of course. It's the British way: sell guns to everyone, ask questions never, and pray the resulting bloodshed doesn't splatter too much on our Savile Row suits.
Let's unpack this farce, shall we? The ICJ case, filed on Monday, alleges that Rwanda has violated the UN Charter and the 1964 Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination by arming and abetting the Tutsi-led M23. The DRC's lawyers, smelling justice like a hyena smells a rotting wildebeest, are demanding reparations and an immediate halt to Rwandan aggression. Meanwhile, in the corner of this ring, Britain sits on a stack of export licenses worth millions for military equipment to both nations. Our government's position? 'We carefully assess each license on a case-by-case basis.' Translation: 'We'll sell to anyone with a pulse and a bank account, and we'll do it with a stiff upper lip and a blindfold.'
Consider the hypocrisy. Britain has been Rwanda's champion since the 1994 genocide, showering Kagame's regime with aid and military training, all while turning a blind eye to his alleged meddling in the DRC. But wait, there's more! We also supply the DRC with weapons via the European Union's 'peace and security' schemes. So, British steel is being fired at British steel in the jungles of the Congo, and the only thing connecting them is our smugness and a healthy trade surplus.
The real tragedy, of course, is the Congolese people, who've endured decades of rape, murder, and resource theft while the world nods sympathetically and continues to buy their minerals. But this is a satire column, so let's focus on the absurdity. Picture this: Sir Jeffrey Donaldson, then security minister, hailing Rwanda as a 'model of security sector reform' while the M23, armed with British-made weapons, shells a refugee camp. It's like applauding a pyromaniac for his impressive firefighting technique.
And the ICJ. Oh, the ICJ. That grand theatre of international law where cases take decades and judgments are as enforceable as a gentleman's agreement in a pub. The DRC will present its evidence, Rwanda will deny everything, and the court will schedule a hearing for 2047, by which point both countries will have new flags and the M23 will be a museum exhibit. But for now, the UK government will sweat, muttering about 'export controls' and 'due diligence' while quietly pushing through another batch of licenses for 'non-lethal' equipment that will inevitably be used to commit lethal acts.
The solution? Simple: stop selling arms to anyone. But that would require a moral compass, and Britain's broke sometime around the Opium Wars. Instead, we'll continue this dance of death, where every sale is justified by 'jobs' and 'influence', and every massacre is met with a 'strongly worded statement.' So here's to you, DR Congo, for using the courts to expose this mess. And here's to you, Britain, for being the arms dealer who smiles while the world burns. Cheers.
This is Biff Thistlethwaite, wondering if the ICJ serves gin during recess.
