From the sun-scorched decks of the British press, where the only thing sharper than a shark's tooth is a subeditor's pencil, comes a tale of terror that has sent the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Tourism into a tizzy. A man, described as a 'bloke' by sources who clearly prize accuracy, has been unceremoniously removed from the list of living persons by a large, toothy fish off the coast of Australia. Cue the sound of a thousand bureaucrats sharpening their pencils.
Let us be clear: the shark did not attack. It defended. It defended its patch of ocean from an interloper who, if we are to believe the tabloids, was probably wearing a union jack wetsuit and demanding a cup of tea. The deceased, whose name has been withheld pending confirmation that he wasn't secretly an insurance salesman, becomes the latest footnote in the epic saga of humans doing stupid things in the sea.
But never mind the tragedy. Never mind the family. The real story is the urgent safety review ordered by the British diving tourism industry. Because nothing says 'I care about human life' like a committee meeting scheduled for three Tuesdays from now. Expect the report to conclude that sharks are fundamentally anti-British, possibly funded by the French, and that all future diving excursions should be conducted in a reinforced steel barrel with a periscope.
The hypocrisy is breathtaking. We happily consume fish and chips, yet we recoil when a fish turns the tables. We call it a 'shark attack' but never a 'human intrusion into the shark's dining room'. We demand the ocean be made safe for our leisure, as if the sea were a municipal swimming pool with lifeguards and a fancy slide.
Meanwhile, the real predators are the politicians who will use this incident to call for shark culls, dragging the ocean into a cycle of pointless violence that no committee can solve. They will talk of 'deterrence' and 'public safety' while ignoring the simple truth: if you don't want to meet a shark, stay out of its house.
So here's to the unnamed Australian, the latest causality in the war between land and sea. May his memory be honoured not with inquests and inquiries, but with a grim understanding that the ocean does not negotiate. And to the British diving industry: perhaps spend less on reviews and more on reminding people that sharks are not villains but creatures of instinct. Or, failing that, sell them tickets to a proper zoo where the only way to see a shark is through thick glass, with a gift shop nearby.
