In a staggering blow to national pride and common sense, the hallowed British pastime of queueing has finally found its aquatic equivalent. The Mexican wave, that ubiquitous stadium staple, is under threat from a new contender: the British ripple. A record-breaking attempt at the largest Mexican wave has been called into question after a group of intrepid Brits announced they have perfected a superior, more orderly version.
Sources close to the event claim the participants looked less like a human tsunami and more like a gentle lapping of the Thames on a rainy Tuesday. The British ripple, spectators report, involves standing up, adjusting one's tie, tutting softly, and sitting back down. 'It's about precision, not pandemonium,' said one tweed-clad innovator.
'We have perfected the art of mild, passive-aggressive oscillation.' The Guinness World Records team are said to be flummoxed. 'Is it a wave if no one makes eye contact?
' one official muttered. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Mexican embassy said, 'We are not offended. We are simply perplexed.
Also, how dare you.' The government has pledged £2 million in funding for further 'wave-based research,' sparking outrage from the British Surfing Association, who claim they have been developing a similar concept involving actual water for decades. 'But they wouldn't let us claim it as British because the water was imported,' one seaside dweller moaned.
The nation holds its breath (and its place in the queue) as the great wave debate continues. Biff Thistlethwaite, sipping a gin and questioning the sanity of it all, reports from the edge.
