The Golden State is currently a rather less appealing shade of charcoal, as wildfires of biblical proportions lick the very hubcaps of Los Angeles. Yet amid the apocalyptic roar of flames devouring multi-million pound eco-homes, a strange, smug hum can be heard across the Atlantic. It is the sound of Whitehall mandarins patting themselves on the back for their 'world-class firefighting partnerships' with the USA.
One can almost picture the scene: as California’s firefighters valiantly attempt to stop a wildfire from turning a Tesla into a Molotov cocktail, a delegation from Herefordshire stands proudly by a Land Rover, nodding sagely. 'We have shared our finest hose-coupling techniques with our American cousins,' a spokesman boomed over the crackling din of a burning Lexus. 'It is a testament to our special relationship. Now, about the gin rations.'
Let us be clear. No one denies the professionalism of Britain’s fire crews. But to claim a 'world-class partnership' while an inferno roasts a Prius to a puddle of smug is peak British diplomacy. It is the international equivalent of serving a nice cup of tea while Rome burns. Or California. Same thing, really, when viewed from a certain longitude.
The truth is these 'partnerships' consist of three things: a few joint training exercises, an exchange programme for fire chiefs to discuss the finer points of risk assessment, and a lot of very expensive, very damp flyers handed out at international conferences. The UK’s contribution to fighting the wildfires? A strongly worded email expressing 'deep concern' and a 12% discount on St John Ambulance-branded burn kits.
Meanwhile, the people of California are losing their homes. Their Teslas. Their memories. Their avocados. And what do we do? We send a man from the Home Office to give a PowerPoint on 'Integrated Resilience Frameworks'. Bravo. Truly world-class.
The story here is not the fire. The story is the sheer, unblinking audacity of a nation that will turn any disaster into an opportunity for smug post-colonial vanity. 'Look at us, America! We have hoses! We have training! We have a royal family we can set on you if you misbehave!' It is the Blitz spirit without the bombs. Just hot air and self-congratulation.
So as the embers glow and the insurance claims mount, let us raise a glass of something smokey to our 'world-class' partnerships. May they continue to provide excellent press releases, and absolutely no practical assistance whatsoever. The real firefighting will be done by brave men and women who don’t have the luxury of a union jack-branded hose. They have my profound respect, if not my government’s actual support.
