In a move that has sent shivers down the spine of Whitehall's finest chinless wonders, President Xi Jinping has touched down in Pyongyang for a spot of diplomatic hobnobbing with the Supreme Leader of all things pointy-haired and nuclear. The British Foreign Office, a department whose primary function appears to be rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic, has issued a sternly worded memorandum expressing 'grave concern' over the potential for a China-North Korea arms alignment. Because nothing says 'grave concern' like a strongly worded email from a bureaucrat named Nigel.
Let us examine this pantomime with the sober clarity it deserves. Xi, a man who treats press conferences like a fencing match, has descended upon the Hermit Kingdom with all the subtlety of a gin-soaked elephant in a china shop. Kim, meanwhile, has no doubt dusted off his finest Soviet-era parade uniform and polished his nuclear button to a mirror shine. The two shall sup together, no doubt on a menu of barbecued dog and dissident tears, and discuss matters of global import.
The Foreign Office's warning is akin to a goldfish expressing alarm at the rising tide. Of course they're aligning. China sees North Korea as a useful pawn in its grand chess game against American hegemony, while Kim sees China as the only sugar daddy willing to bankroll his fireworks displays. It's a match made in geopolitical heaven, or at least in the ninth circle of bureaucratic hell.
Meanwhile, the British response is to wring hands and mutter about 'rules-based international order,' a phrase so devoid of meaning it might as well be 'flibbertigibbet-based international ding-dong.' The UK's foreign policy now consists of sending strongly worded letters and hoping the Queen's corgis can bark a deterrent into existence.
But let us not be entirely doom-laden. There is a silver lining. The arms alignment means more news cycles of glorious absurdity. We can expect more satellite photos of Kim looking at a map, more 'experts' on rolling news nodding gravely, and more column inches dedicated to whether China's ICBMs can reach Kent. Spoiler: they can. But worry not, the bunting is being printed.
In conclusion, the Foreign Office's alarm is both predictable and pointless. Xi and Kim are doing what strongmen do: consolidating power and terrifying the weak. The only sensible response is to pour a stiff G&T and enjoy the show. After all, we're all just background extras in this farce.
