Listen here, you sweating, gin-less wretches. As the mercury climbs to positively Mediterranean heights (which for us means 28 degrees and a collective loss of national composure), our benevolent overlords at the local councils have deigned to share their 'heatwave resilience tips.' And by 'resilience,' they mean 'let's paint windows with chalk and designate some slightly less scorching patches of pavement as cool-down spots.
' Yes, you read that correctly. Chalk windows. Because nothing says 'beat the heat' like turning your Georgian townhouse into a primary school art project.
I half-expected the advice to include 'use a fan made of wet lettuce' or 'recite Keats at the sun until it feels intimidated.' But no, this is the official guidance from the people who brought us potholes and recycling bin disputes. The chalk, apparently, reflects sunlight.
Or absorbs it. Or perhaps it's just council employees having a laugh while we all slowly roast. Meanwhile, the cool-down spots are inevitably located next to a diesel bus stop or a kebab shop with an industrial grill.
But fear not, because the government has also suggested we 'close curtains and blinds.' Revolutionary. I'm surprised they didn't advise us to 'drink water' or 'avoid hugging a bonfire.
' This is the same nation that once handled a heatwave by declaring a national emergency and then doing precisely nothing. So go on, scribble on your windows. Create a masterpiece.
Because when the heatstroke kicks in and you're hallucinating a polar bear on the high street, at least you'll have something pretty to look at as you collapse into a chalk-dusted coma.
