In a tragic development that has left dozens buried beneath a mountain of concrete and rebar in the Philippines, the British government has reportedly placed its finest rescue teams on standby. Because nothing says 'we care' like a cup of tea and a plane that hasn't taken off yet.
The collapse occurred in a commercial district, where a building that was last inspected by a blind man with a hammer decided to give up the ghost. Witnesses described a sound like 'a giant coughing up a brick' followed by screams. But fear not, for the Home Office has issued a statement: 'We are monitoring the situation closely.' Translation: We are sitting in a room, frowning at a map.
Meanwhile, the trapped victims are no doubt finding comfort in the knowledge that British rescue teams are on standby. Standby is a noble state of being, somewhere between 'getting ready' and 'maybe later'. It involves packing bags, feeling important, and waiting for a call that might never come. It is the British national sport.
One can only imagine the scene in the Whitehall war rooms. Officials in crisp suits likely pointing at PowerPoint slides titled 'Options for Doing Something.' Option one: Send rescue teams. Option two: Tweet support. Option three: A strongly worded letter to the building's owner, sent ballon post.
Let us not forget the politics. The Philippine government will no doubt appreciate the gesture. It shows solidarity, that we Brits are willing to sacrifice our biscuits and our television viewing to stand by. At any moment, should the call come, we will leap into action. Just as soon as we finish this crossword.
In related news, the International Rescue Corps has already dispatched teams. They are not on standby. They are on planes. They are digging. They are saving lives. Meanwhile, our boys are polishing their helmets and wondering if they'll need a visa.
The collapse is a stark reminder that building regulations in some parts of the world are more like suggestions. But let us not point fingers. Let us instead applaud the British government's commitment to standby. It takes discipline to do nothing with such intensity.
As the hours tick by, the trapped will be running out of air and hope. But they can rest assured that somewhere in a hangar in Brize Norton, a plane is being fuelled. Slowly. Methodically. Because haste makes waste, and we Brits are not wasteful. We save our waste for the environment.
In conclusion, our hearts go out to the victims and their families. And our deepest gratitude to the rescue teams on standby. You are the paragons of preparedness. You are the epitome of readiness. You are the reason we sleep soundly at night, knowing that if something goes wrong far away, we have people who are thinking about maybe doing something about it.
God save the standby.
