In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the geriatric wing of global politics, a UK study has confirmed that Donald J Trump, a man who appears to have been assembled from leftover parts of a 1980s action figure, is still technically employed. Yes, dear reader, you heard that correctly. While the rest of humanity shuffles towards the grave with a sense of quiet dignity, Mr Trump, at the grand old age of 80, continues to grasp at the levers of power with the determination of a toddler refusing to relinquish a sticky lollipop.
The study, conducted by the Centre for the Study of Ageing and Economic Lunacy (a name I may have just invented, but it fits), has found that octogenarian employment is on the rise, largely driven by a single demographic: men who believe the presidency is a birthright and that the concept of retirement is a socialist plot. The report, which I suspect was funded by a consortium of gin distilleries, notes that while most 80-year-olds are content with a cup of tea and a nice sit-down, Trump insists on holding rallies where he dances to 'YMCA' like a malfunctioning wind-up toy.
But let us not mock the elderly, for they have much to teach us. For instance, Trump has demonstrated that one can be completely immune to the passage of time, as long as one ignores the evidence of one's own eyes. His hair, a marmalade-coloured wonder of nature, seems to operate on a separate timeline from the rest of his anatomy. And his speeches, which meander through the landscape of his mind like a lost tourist, are a testament to the power of unshakeable belief in oneself, however misguided.
The economics of this phenomenon are, of course, baffling. Why would an 80-year-old billionaire, with more gold than Croesus, continue to work? The answer, according to the study, is that he has confused work with a relentless need for attention. Indeed, every tweet, every rally, every lawsuit is a cry into the void: 'Look at me! I am still here, dammit!'
But there is a darker side to this tale. The study warns that the 'Trump effect' could lead to a generation of elderly people refusing to retire, clogging up the job market with their antique ideas and refusal to use email. 'We are facing a crisis of the elderly,' said Dr Margaret Featherstone, lead author of the study. 'If every 80-year-old decides to run for president, we will have no one left to run the bingo halls.'
Of course, the political implications are staggering. Trump's continued presence in the public eye is like a lingering guest at a party who has outstayed his welcome, yet refuses to leave because he hasn't finished the punch. The Republican party, a collection of individuals who have the moral compass of a compass that has been thrown into a blender, is caught between a rock and a hard place. Or rather, between a rock and a man who looks like a rock that has been spray-painted orange.
In conclusion, this study has proven what we all suspected: that Donald Trump is a unique economic entity, a sort of human perpetual motion machine, powered by ego and a secret stash of Diet Cokes. Whether this is a boon or a bane for the economy remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: he will not be retiring anytime soon. And neither, it seems, will our collective national headache.
