In a stunning display of what can be achieved when everyone's had a few, British mediators have somehow wrangled a historic breakthrough in US-Iran nuclear talks. Yes, you read that correctly. The same Britain that can't organise a train timetable without it turning into a existential crisis has apparently saved the world from fiery oblivion.
The deal, brokered over what I can only assume was a truly magnificent spread of stale biscuits and lukewarm tea, sees Iran agree to open its nuclear facilities to inspectors in exchange for sanctions relief. The Americans, for their part, have promised not to launch any drone strikes for at least a fortnight. It's a triumph of diplomacy, or possibly a collective hallucination brought on by the fumes of a thousand diplomatic briefcases.
Our glorious Foreign Secretary, Sir Reginald Fotheringay-Smythe (pictured looking dignified and slightly constipated), was on hand to claim credit, stating, "This is a victory for the British bulldog spirit, and also for my personal brand of patience, which has been sorely tested by the Iranian predilection for serving tea at precisely the wrong temperature."
The Iranians, meanwhile, have reportedly been celebrating with a riotous display of carpet weaving and poetry recitals, while the American delegation can be heard muttering about the lack of decent hamburgers in Tehran. Peace, it seems, has a peculiar smell: a mixture of stale cigar smoke, overpriced cologne, and the faint whiff of hypocrisy.
I, for one, am deeply sceptical. Having once covered a local council meeting that ended in fisticuffs over a parking space, I know that human beings are incapable of resolving anything without a lot of shouting and a bit of crying. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps the world really has taken a step towards sanity, led by a nation that brought us the hosepipe ban and the Greggs sausage roll.
Time will tell. For now, let's raise a glass of something vaguely alcoholic to our brave negotiators. They've done what no one thought possible: made the world slightly less terrifying. Cheers, you absolute madmen.