In a stunning display of international cooperation that would make even the most cynical gin-soaked hack crack a smile, Australia has announced its record cocaine bust, crediting UK-led intelligence sharing for the victory. Yes, you read that right. The same United Kingdom that cannot organise a functioning train timetable or decide whether to have sun or rain for breakfast has somehow managed to coordinate a drug bust so massive it would make Pablo Escobar weep into his own powdered gold.
The haul, a staggering 2.3 tonnes of the marching powder, was intercepted off the coast of Western Australia. Authorities say the cocaine had a street value of approximately $760 million. That is a lot of nose jobs, or as I prefer to think of it, a fair few rounds of G&Ts for the nation. The bust was the result of a joint operation between Australian Federal Police and the UK's National Crime Agency. Good on you, chaps. About time you did something other than argue about Brexit.
Now, let us unpack this paradox. The UK, a nation currently more divided than a Tory leadership contest, has apparently become the hub of global intelligence sharing. Perhaps they have finally realised that if they cannot run their own country, they can at least run everyone else's. The intelligence, we are told, was gathered from encrypted communications intercepted by British agents. Encrypted communications. So while the government is busy trying to ban end-to-end encryption for the sake of 'national security', they are also using it to catch drug smugglers. Typical. Nothing says 'we care about your privacy' like eavesdropping on your WhatsApp chats to chase a cocaine kingpin in Perth.
But let us not get bogged down in hypocrisy. The important thing is that two tonnes of cocaine will not be snorted up the noses of Australia's finest. Or will it? One cannot help but wonder where this cocaine was destined. Was it for the yuppies of Sydney's Double Bay? The miners in the Outback? Or perhaps it was earmarked for the politicians in Canberra, who could certainly use something to liven up Question Time. Either way, the streets of Melbourne will be a little less lively this weekend. Sorry, clubbers. You will have to stick to your craft ales and ketamine like everyone else.
This bust also signals a triumph for Operation Ironside, the FBI-ANOM sting that has been capturing criminals' encrypted chats. Yes, the same ANOM that was touted as a game-changer in the drug war. A game-changer indeed. Now cops can listen in on drug lords planning their next shipment while simultaneously listening in on your mum complaining about her neighbour's cat. It is a brave new world, folks. And in this brave new world, the UK is the hero. Let that sink in.
The Home Secretary has already been wheeling out the usual platitudes. 'This shows our intelligence sharing is world-leading.' Of course it is. We cannot share a bus lane properly, but we can share intelligence. We cannot run a railway franchise, but we can run a drug bust. Perhaps we should put MI6 in charge of the NHS. They would probably do a better job than the current lot. At least they know how to keep a secret. Unlike the Tories, who cannot seem to keep their hands off anything that isn't nailed down.
In conclusion, a record bust. A pat on the back for the intelligence community. But let us not get carried away. The drug war is like a hydra. Chop off one head, and two more grow back. Or in this case, two tonnes. But for today, at least, the gin flows a little sweeter knowing that some poor bastard in a boardroom somewhere is staring at a spreadsheet and realising his bonus just went up in smoke. Cheers to that.