In a move that has thrilled vicars, vexed human rights activists, and given the Commonwealth something to argue about over lukewarm tea, Ghana has trundled out its latest legislative masterpiece: a bill that makes being gay a crime punishable by ... well, let's just say prison time and a lifetime supply of shame. The bill, with all the subtlety of a brass band in a library, criminalises LGBTQ+ advocacy, membership, and even the mere act of holding hands. It's as if the drafters sat down and thought, 'What would make Oscar Wilde turn in his grave? Yes, let's do that.'
Now, enter the United Kingdom, a nation that has spent centuries telling other countries what to do, suddenly rediscovering its moral compass after misplacing it somewhere between the Falklands and the Iraq War. The Foreign Office, in a statement as stiff as a freshly starched collar, declared that this bill 'must not be allowed to pass' and that it 'contradicts Commonwealth values'. This from a Commonwealth that includes Brunei, where they stone people for having a bit too much fun, and whose values seem to be 'don't rock the boat unless the boat is rocking towards cheaper trade deals'.
The timing is exquisite. Just as Ghana prepares to host the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, where everyone will smile and pretend to like each other, this bill lands like a flaming bag of diplomatic excrement on the doorstep. The British Prime Minister, whose own party is embroiled in a culture war over whether trans people exist, has apparently decided that human rights are a thing again. Cue theatrical music.
But let's not be naive. This isn't about human rights. This is about the UK trying to flex its soft power muscles after Brexit left it looking like the kid nobody wants on their team. Ghana, meanwhile, is playing a classic game of colonial reverse psychology: 'You told us to be independent, but we'll show you independence by criminalising the gays.' It's a masterclass in using homophobia as a nationalist cudgel.
And what of the Commonwealth? That crumbling old club where everyone agrees on the weather and disagrees on everything else. The Queen's head is on the stamps, but her values are in the bin. Will Ghana be suspended? Expelled? Given a sternly worded letter? The likely outcome is a vague communiqué expressing 'deep concern' while everyone quietly backtrades on cocoa futures.
The irony is thick enough to spread on toast. The UK, which once exported homophobia to its colonies via buggery laws, is now tut-tutting at Ghana for using those very laws. It's like a reformed arsonist complaining about someone else's campfire.
Meanwhile, the real victims, Ghana's LGBTQ+ community, are left to wonder if their government will ever realise that human rights are not a menu to pick from. But hey, at least the gin is flowing freely in London newsrooms, where we can afford to be outraged from a safe distance.
So here's to the Commonwealth: a union built on shared history, mutual benefit, and the occasional spectacular display of hypocrisy. As the gin glass empties, one wonders if the Commonwealth can survive its own contradictions. Or if, like a cheap suit, it will simply fray at the seams.
Stay tuned. The next episode promises more sanctimony, more bigotry, and possibly a trade deal or two. But don't hold your breath for progress. That would be un-British.
