In news that will surprise precisely nobody who has ever met a politician with a holy book and a hunger for power, Ghana’s parliament has waved through the ‘Human Sexual Rights and Family Values Bill’ with all the solemnity of a chimpanzee in a dinner jacket. This legislative masterpiece, which makes it a crime to be gay, to speak about being gay, or to even look like you might be thinking about being gay, has passed with the kind of bipartisan enthusiasm usually reserved for free beer at a football match.
Let us pause to admire the irony. The bill is called ‘Family Values’. The same families that according to the sponsors are under threat from gay people, who apparently have nothing better to do than skulk about sabotaging heterosexual marriages. One imagines gay people everywhere, strokes chin, nodding sagely. Yes, that’s on my to-do list. Undermine the nuclear family. Right after I’ve finished my quilt and organised my fabulous brunch.
The timing is impeccable, of course. Just as the UK government was polishing its teacups and preparing to lecture Ghana on the virtues of Commonwealth partnership and shared values, this bill slaps Queen and country in the face with a soggy kipper. Now Boris Johnson’s successor (or indeed, any future PM who can remember where they left their trousers) must decide: do we stand up for LGBTQ+ rights, or do we keep our mouths shut and keep trading? It is the oldest question in the diplomatic handbook. Would you rather have morals or money? Spoiler: the answer is always money. But we must go through the motions of outrage first.
Ghana’s president, Nana Akufo-Addo, is playing a crafty game. He has not yet signed the bill into law. He is waiting. He is thinking. He is probably hoping a meteorite will land on the parliament building and solve his problem. But if he signs it, he will be cheered by the religious right at home and jeered by the liberal international community. If he vetoes it, he will be branded a traitor to Ghanaian culture. It is the sort of decision that makes a man reach for the gin bottle. And I, for one, salute him.
Meanwhile, the UK’s Foreign Office (which is, let us be honest, a place where grown-ups play dress-up as diplomats but are actually just arguing about who gets the corner office) will issue a politely worded statement. It will express ‘deep concern’ and ‘disappointment’. It will call for ‘respect for human rights’. And then it will do absolutely nothing. Because trade deals are more important than people. Because the Commonwealth is a club where everyone agrees to disagree unless it costs them money.
But let us not forget the human cost. This bill is not a theoretical exercise. It is a licence to persecute. It is a green light for violence. It is a law that says to every gay person in Ghana: you do not belong. And yet, the world will tut-tut, shake its head, and move on to the next crisis. Because that is what we do. We are very good at tutting. Not so good at acting.
So raise a glass to Ghana’s parliament. They have passed a bill that will make life miserable for thousands. They have done it in the name of God, culture, and family values. And they have done it with the full knowledge that the rest of the world will do little more than wag a finger. To which I say: if you are going to be a bigot, at least own it. Don’t pretend it is about values. It is about power. It is about control. It is about fear. And it is about the eternal, tedious human desire to tell other people how to live their lives.
As for the Commonwealth, it can go hang. The only thing more frayed than its values is the carpet in the Foreign Office. And that carpet, I am told, is a disgrace.
