In a tragic twist that even the most cynical Greek tragedian would find a bit on the nose, the mother of a Greek politician has been reduced to charcoal in an arson attack. Yes, you read that right. Arson. As if feta shortages and tax evasion weren't enough, someone decided to add 'fiery matriarchicide' to the Hellenic repertoire.
Georgios Papaconstantinou? No idea. But his mum is now a headline. The attack, which took place in the dead of night, saw the family home go up like a Guy Fawkes effigy after a double gin. Neighbours reported a 'suspicious smell of petrol and broken taboos'.
But fear not, gentle reader. The UK government, never one to let a continental crisis go un-Tweeted, has issued a condemnation. That's right. A condemnation. The diplomatic equivalent of tutting over the garden fence while the neighbour's house burns down.
'We are appalled by this act of political violence,' said the Foreign Office spokesperson, presumably while adjusting his monocle and ordering another round of austerity tea. 'Our thoughts are with the family.' Thoughts. Because nothing says 'we care' like a reflexive pronoun and a cup of Earl Grey.
I rang the Foreign Office to ask if they'd be sending actual aid. A detective team. A fire engine. A packet of Hobnobs. The line went dead. Probably 'technical difficulties,' or perhaps they were too busy polishing the ceremonial sword of hollow rhetoric.
Meanwhile, back in Greece, the political class is doing what it does best: wringing hands and pointing fingers. The opposition blames the government. The government blames the opposition. The far right blames the immigrants. The immigrants blame the cats. And somewhere, a stray dog is probably being accused of stealing the matches.
Let's be honest: political violence is the cockroach of democracy. It shows up when you least expect it, scuttles through the cracks, and leaves a trail of slime. But condemning it is like condemning rain: it's wet, it's annoying, and it happens anyway. What we need are actions. Are arrests. Are prosecutions. Are politicians whose mums don't need to hire security details.
But no. Instead, we get statements. Press releases. Tweets. The modern equivalent of 'thoughts and prayers,' garnished with a sprig of sanctimony.
I propose a new protocol for UK responses to European arson attacks: mandatory dispatch of the SAS with fire extinguishers and a spare tin of baked beans. Or at the very least, a strongly worded letter in Comic Sans.
Until then, let's pour one out for Mama Papaconstantinou. Preferably a Greek brandy. Neat. And not set on fire.
