Whitehall mandarins, fuelled by weak tea and existential dread, have reportedly spent the weekend dissecting the former President's financial entrails. Their findings? A ledger so bizarre it could only belong to a man who once sold steaks to a hotel room.
Among the assets flagged in Trump's $1bn crypto portfolio are 47,000 digital Bibles, 12 NFTs of Kevin McCallister screaming, and a suspiciously large holding in a perfume token called 'Trump's Taint.' The Treasury, baffled, has convened an emergency committee to determine whether any of this constitutes a 'legitimate business expense.' Sources close to the investigation muttered something about the smell of burning tax codes over the Thames.
The nation, meanwhile, holds its breath, wondering if its next budget will be balanced on the back of a prayer and a bottle of cheap cologne.
