In a development that has sent tremors through the hallowed halls of Whitehall and the gilded lounges of the Foreign Office, new footage has emerged of an Iranian drone strike on Kuwait International Airport. The grainy, pixelated images, which look like they were filmed on a potato from 2004, show a shadowy object descending upon the tarmac. The subsequent explosion, according to eyewitnesses, was 'quite loud, like when the bin lorry comes but with more oomph'. The UK-led coalition, presumably having exhausted all options in the 'strongly worded letter' department, is now demanding 'accountability'. But what does accountability mean in this context? A strongly-worded email? A formal complaint to the manager of international affairs? Perhaps a collective tutting so powerful it shatters windowpanes in Tehran.
The strike, which occurred at 3:47 AM local time, has been blamed on Iran by the usual suspects. The UK Prime Minister, looking as though he's just been told his golf course is being turned into a wind farm, has declared that such actions 'will not stand'. He paused, presumably for dramatic effect, before adding that the UK 'reserves the right to respond'. In diplomatic circles, this translates to: 'We might send a gunboat, or we might send a strongly-worded letter. It depends on the weather.' Meanwhile, the US has offered its 'unwavering support', which in practice means it will send a few drones of its own to 'monitor the situation', possibly while eating popcorn.
The Kuwaiti government, for its part, has closed the airport indefinitely, stranding thousands of travellers who now face the horror of having to spend an extra day in Kuwait. This has prompted a flurry of angry tweets from people who, frankly, didn't fancy going home anyway. The coalition, which includes the UK, France, and Germany, is now demanding that Iran 'cease all provocative actions'. Iran has responded by calling the coalition 'a bunch of has-beens' and suggesting that the footage is 'clearly a CGI rendering from a mid-budget sci-fi film'. A spokesman for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard added, 'Our drones were on holiday. We have receipts.'
In related news, the price of oil has skyrocketed in the wake of the strike, causing widespread panic among hedge fund managers and a celebratory feeling among Saudi princes. The average British motorist, however, is now eyeing their petrol tank with the grim resignation of a man watching his last gin and tonic being consumed by a wasp.
At the heart of this mess is the question: what is the UK-led coalition actually going to do? The Prime Minister has convened an emergency COBRA meeting, which in practice means a bunch of people in suits sitting around a table, agreeing to 'look into it'. A senior government source, speaking on condition of anonymity (because these things are 'sensitive'), hinted that 'a new round of sanctions is being prepared'. Cue the sound of Iranian generals losing sleep over the prospect of fewer Pepsi imports.
In the meantime, the airport in Kuwait remains a smouldering wreck, and the coalition remains a narrative. The Iranians, meanwhile, are probably laughing into their saffron-laced tea. But don't worry, everyone. Accountability is on its way. It's just stuck in traffic. Probably behind a diplomatic number plate.
