In a development so predictable it could have been drafted by a Bavarian clairvoyant on a bad batch of schnapps, Germany has pointed the finger at Russia for its latest humiliating collapse on the world stage. The UN Security Council, that perennial theatre of the absurd where veto-wielding states play pretend at global governance, has once again turned Berlin’s finest diplomatic efforts into a smoking crater. And who does the Foreign Office in Berlin blame?
The Kremlin. Naturally. Because nothing says accountability like blaming the bloke who owns the veto for using it.
Russia, apparently, has the audacity to exercise its rights under the very charter that allows it to block practically anything it disagrees with. This is the same Russia that the rest of the Security Council has been trying to politely ask to please stop invading its neighbours, to no avail. The Germans, it seems, have discovered the nuclear option of diplomatic outrage: blaming the other side for not rolling over.
Meanwhile, the United Kingdom, ever the loyal bulldog, has come out in support of European solidarity. The same European solidarity that saw the UK Brexit itself out of the bloc to reclaim its sovereignty, only to now come running back to the defence of the very continent it abandoned. It’s like watching a man who divorced his wife for cheating then volunteering to be her character witness.
The sheer chutzpah would be admirable if it weren’t so depressingly typical. The crux of the matter is this: Germany tried to get a resolution passed condemning Russia for something, the details of which are buried under so many layers of diplomatic doublespeak that even the translators gave up and went for a beer. Russia wielded its veto, because that’s what vetoes are for in this dysfunctional institution.
The resolution failed. And now the Germans are blaming the Russians for the failure. By that logic, if I fail a driving test, I should blame the examiner for not letting me mount the pavement.
But it gets better. The UK, apparently forgetting its recent history of voting against European Union resolutions on everything from fishing quotas to the correct way to eat a croissant, has thrown its weight behind Berlin. Because nothing screams solidarity like a country that spent years telling the EU to do one.
The Foreign Office has issued a statement, no doubt written by a junior minister who was in the pub when the news broke, expressing ‘deep concern’ and calling for ‘a unified response.’ Which is diplomatic code for ‘we have no idea what to do, so we’ll just say something that sounds good.’ The real kicker is the sheer amount of effort wasted on this charade.
Millions of pounds, thousands of man-hours, and countless cups of bad instant coffee were sacrificed at the altar of this UN resolution. And for what? To have it vetoed by a country that treats international law like a buffet: picking only what it likes.
But to blame Russia for this failure is like blaming a lion for eating a gazelle. It’s what they do. The real question is why the Western nations continue to walk into the same diplomatic minefield wearing clown shoes, expecting different results.
It’s the definition of insanity, and it’s apparently the official policy of the German Foreign Ministry. As for the UK’s defence of European solidarity, it must have slipped their minds that they are no longer European. At least not in the sense of having any actual say in EU matters.
But then again, consistency has never been the strong suit of British foreign policy. They once supported a war in Iraq based on dodgy intelligence, so backing Germany on a vague principle is practically Olympic-level discipline by comparison. In conclusion, the UN Security Council remains a zombie institution, shambling through the motions of global governance while the world burns.
Germany got its latest kick in the teeth from the Russian bear, and the UK stood by to applaud the bruising. If this is the future of international diplomacy, then I’m off to the pub to drink myself into a stupor. At least the gin there is consistent.
