In a world where the apocalypse is now subscription-based and the four horsemen have been rebranded as 'extreme weather events', one plucky survivor has decided that if you can't stop the flames, you might as well build a very sturdy shed to sit in while they pass. Marjorie Pumblechook, 67, erstwhile resident of the charred remains of Nowheresville, watched her town turn to ash with the same detached fascination most people reserve for a particularly tedious episode of 'The Chase'. Now she's manufactured what she calls 'the world's first end-of-days conservatory', a fireproof bunker complete with reinforced steel walls, an air filtration system that could double as a cheese cave, and what appears to be a rustic log-effect radiator.
I saw the flames coming, and they didn't look very practical," she told our correspondent, who was still picking cinders out of his trousers. So I thought, 'Right, let's make something that can handle a bit of bunting.
'" Critics have been swift to point out that her bunker, which she claims can withstand temperatures of 1,500 degrees Celsius, still has a window seat that might melt. But as the planet continues to combust and our so-called leaders fiddle with carbon credits while Rome burns, we could do worse than take a leaf from Mrs Pumblechook's book.
Or a whole fireproofed library. The bunker, which she sells for a modest £250,000 (including a complimentary pack of oven gloves and a bottle of Sancerre), has already been snapped up by six hedge fund managers and a minor royal who 'just fancied a weekend place'. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to dwell in the flimsy structures of denial, hoping that the next evacuation order doesn't interrupt our brunch.
But Marjorie is not content to rest on her fire-resistant laurels. She is already planning a sequel: a waterproof bunker for the coming floods, a tornado-proof gazebo, and a 'general sense of impending doom' shed for those who just feel like hiding from the news. In a world gone mad, her sanity is the only thing that's properly insulated.
And if you think that's a bit too close to the bone, you're probably not the target market.
