In a development that would make even the most cynical of headline writers choke on their morning gin, the so-called ‘Spider-Man of Yemen’ has plummeted to his demise into the fiery maw of a volcanic crater. Yes, you read that correctly. A man who apparently mistook the Arabian Peninsula for a Marvel comic strip has met the sort of sticky end that would give even Stan Lee pause.
Let us be clear: this is not a satire. This is real life, which lately has been out-satirising satire by a considerable margin. The deceased, whose name I shall mercifully withhold until his family is informed, was known locally for scaling buildings with bare hands. A sort of folk hero, if you will, for a nation that has rather more pressing concerns like, say, not being bombed into the stone age. But no, this man chose to clamber up cliffs and towers, defying gravity and good sense in equal measure.
The crater in question, located in the wilds of Yemen, is not the sort of thing you stumble into accidentally. It is a gaping wound in the earth, spewing heat and noxious gases. To fall into it is not a misstep. It is a spectacularly committed act of self-immolation. And yet, our ‘Spider-Man’ managed it. Perhaps he was chasing a particularly elusive fly. Or perhaps he simply forgot that with great power comes great stupidity.
I can already hear the tutting of the chattering classes. ‘How dare you mock a dead man!’ they will cry. But let us not pretend that this was a tragedy in the classical sense. This was a Darwin Award waiting to happen. A man who dressed up as a spider and climbed things for attention has now become a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks that superpowers are handed out with birth certificates.
The real tragedy here is not the loss of a life, but the fact that we have reached a point where such a story is considered newsworthy. While Yemen crumbles under the weight of war, famine, and pestilence, we are supposed to shed a tear for a man who thought he was an arachnid. This is the sort of distraction that keeps the masses placid while the real villains laugh all the way to their offshore accounts.
So yes, pour one out for the ‘Spider-Man of Yemen’. But as you do, ask yourself: what kind of world creates such a character? A world where reality is so unbearable that men choose to become cartoons. A world where climbing into a volcano seems like a reasonable career move. A world where I, a gin-addled hack, have to report on the death of a human spider.
But do not worry. I am sure there will be a sequel. Perhaps a ‘Batman of Basra’ or a ‘Wonder Woman of Waziristan’. The circus never ends. It just finds a bigger tent.
