In a move that has sent shockwaves through the greasy corridors of power and the lubricated guts of the nation's lorry fleet, the Ministry of Defence has announced a total phase-out of Russian diesel and jet fuel. Yes, readers, the very stuff that has been powering our tanks, our planes, and presumably the occasional oligarch's yacht has been given the heave-ho in favour of something that doesn't involve funding a pugnacious autocrat's war chest.
The announcement came from a stern-faced mandarin who looked like he'd just swallowed a wasp, stood in front of a podium adorned with so many flags you'd think we'd annexed a small European principality. 'We have secured alternative supply chains,' he declared, though he failed to clarify whether these chains were made of ethically sourced unicorn hair or simply less criminally sourced.
Now, I don't mean to be cynical, but when did the British government last do anything that wasn't accompanied by the quiet sound of a cash register? The MOD has been buying Russian fuel for years. It was practically a tradition, like queuing or complaining about the weather. But suddenly, the penny has dropped. Perhaps it was the sight of a certain Russian leader executing a war crime a day. Perhaps it was the threat of sanctions. Or perhaps, just perhaps, someone in Whitehall realised that funding your enemy's energy sector is a bit like paying a burglar to let you keep your telly.
They claim to have secured supply chains from 'reliable partners'. The phrase is so delightfully vague. Is it Norway? Is it the Middle East? Is it some bloke in a shed in Croydon with a barrel of chip oil? We don't know. And we probably won't, because the MOD loves a secret more than it loves a new tank. But let's be honest: any alternative is better than handing over our hard-earned pounds to a man who treats international law like a suggestion box.
The environmental impact, meanwhile, is likely to be negligible. Swapping Russian diesel for Qatari diesel is like swapping a hangover for a migraine. But the political statement is clear: we are weaning ourselves off the teat of tyranny. Or at least, we're trying. The real test will be whether the supply chains hold up when winter hits and the demand for heating oil spikes. I suspect we'll see a lot of government-backed 'energy efficiency' campaigns and more layers of jumper.
In the meantime, one can only imagine the relief in the Kremlin. 'Thank goodness,' they're probably thinking, 'now we can use that fuel to bomb more hospitals.' Oh, the irony. But let's raise a glass of something not distilled in Siberia to the MOD for finally doing the right thing. It only took a war, a humanitarian crisis, and the threat of a very cold winter.
As always, your correspondent will remain on the lookout for the next absurdity. Perhaps they'll announce that army rations will be sourced from fair-trade co-operatives or that the Navy will switch to sail power. A man can dream.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of gin and a crossword that's been mocking me for three days.
