In a development that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of power, a deal between the United States and Iran is reportedly set to be signed this Sunday, leaving British diplomats in a frenzied dance to safeguard their interests in the Gulf. The agreement, which has been described as a 'historic breakthrough' by those who clearly haven’t been paying attention to the last 40 years, promises to end decades of hostility. Or at least pause it until the next election cycle.
Details remain sketchy, as is tradition in such matters. The deal is said to involve a mutual commitment to refrain from immediate acts of war, a concept that diplomats are now branding as 'innovative'. Iran has apparently agreed to limit its nuclear enrichment activities, while the US has promised to un-freeze some assets and refrain from assassinating any more senior Iranian generals. For now.
British diplomats, meanwhile, are engaged in the kind of frantic backpedalling usually reserved for a Prime Minister caught in a lie. They have issued statements expressing 'cautious optimism' which, in diplomat-speak, translates as 'we have absolutely no idea what this means for our oil revenues or our special relationship with Washington'. The Foreign Office has dispatched a team of experts to the region, presumably to ensure that the teatime schedule remains undisturbed.
Reaction from the Gulf states has been predictably mixed. Saudi Arabia has expressed 'grave concerns', which is their way of saying 'we are absolutely livid but cannot say so openly'. Qatar has offered to mediate, because they smell an opportunity to annoy the Saudis. The UAE has simply issued a statement in Comic Sans, which is frankly the most honest communication to come out of the region in years.
The signing ceremony, to be held at a neutral venue (likely Switzerland, because someone has to pretend to be impartial), will feature a photo op that will be scrutinised for clues about handshake firmness. Donald Trump Jr. has already tweeted that it is 'the best deal ever, maybe'. The Iranian Foreign Minister, Javad Zarif, has given a masterclass in understatement by calling it 'a step in the right direction'. Peace, it seems, is on the table. Or at least a slightly nicer tablecloth.
As the world holds its breath, one cannot help but recall the words of the great philosopher. Or perhaps it was a barman in the Royal Oak, Fleet Street. 'If history teaches us anything, it is that peace is merely the interval between two wars.' So enjoy the interval, gentlemen. The gin is on the house.
